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Wednesday, January 7, 2015

5 Reasons Justin Bieber's Calvin Klein Campaign Left Us Cold

Posted By on Wed, Jan 7, 2015 at 9:41 AM

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Since we're over the age of 14, and know that he's not a real lesbian, it's impossible for a lot of us to find Justin Bieber physically attractive, despite his best efforts at being alluring. Still, proof rolled in this week that somebody somewhere thinks this brat is hot, because Calvin Klein has just given the Biebs a major ad campaign. All shirtless and in his undies, no less.

The images, which Bieber helpfully shared via Twitter on Tuesday, aren't dissimilar to the smokin'-hot Marky Mark Wahlberg ones that happened in 1992. Wahlberg's CK campaign effectively launched his career and helped the world to see him as something other than a cheesy white boy rapper. We're not sure what these ads will do for Bieber though — other than boost his ego even further into the outer reaches of space.

Let's examine the four reasons Bieber's Calvin Klein ads will never be truly sexy.

1. Kate McKinnon

Kate McKinnon's recurring Justin Bieber impersonation on Saturday Night Live is one of the most perfectly executed studies in body language and facial expression we've ever seen. And every time McKinnon does the spot-on impression, it takes us one step closer to writing Bieber off as a self-obsessed man-baby altogether. 

Doesn't this:
  • Twitter

Just look like this now?

  • SNL

2. Justin Bieber? Isn't he, like, 15?

Bieber may have arrived on our radar at the age of 15, but he actually looked about 11 or 12 at the time, So now, five years into his career, it feels like he's still only 16 or 17. Biebs might be 20 on paper, but we still feel like we're looking at a boy who hasn't even reached the age of consent yet — and that's pretty creepy when he's all oiled up and nudey. All child stars deal with the audience's inability to see them as grown ups at some point — it's certainly a factor in why people are so totally offended by the crotch of Miley Cyrus (which would actually be a good band name, but that's by the by) — but it's almost impossible to get past in this case. Sorry, JB.

3. Behavioral Issues

Doesn't matter how hot those CK photos are, this happened, like, a week ago:

Deeply irritating.

4. Muscle Beach/ Baby Face

Props to Bieber for sculpting himself into a perfectly toned man machine. If this Calvin Klein campaign demonstrates anything, it's that he's clearly done a lot of work on his body and is in fighting fit condition. Problem is, his face hasn't caught up yet. That still-hairless visage of his is steadfastly refusing to age. So in the #mycalvins campaign, our brains can recognize that Bieber has a hot bod, but it's impossible to get excited about because it's a bit like his head has been removed and sewn onto David Beckham's body in some kind of freakish build-a-boy exercise. Or, you know, like one of these things at the beach:

click image NYFF EVENTS
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5. THAT Tumblr Account

The Lesbians That Look Like Justin Bieber page has given us more joy over the years than the real Bieber probably ever will. Still genius.
  • Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber

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