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Tuesday, December 23, 2014

5 Christmas Songs For Deviants

Posted By on Tue, Dec 23, 2014 at 8:47 AM

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If you're the type of person who cringes every time you hear the gentle waft of Michael Buble's Christmas; the kind of human who wants to put your face through a stained glass window every time you catch a couple of bars of Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas is You", well, we sympathize. And we know that, while everyone else feels festive to the sounds of Sinatra and Martin doing traditional favorites, the only effect it has on you is the desire to listen to Slayer really, really loudly. As such, we thought you might enjoy something a little bit different as the big day approaches. By which we mean, the special combination of Christmas and abject filth. That's right — what you're about to hear are five musical renditions that are both festive and NSFW. Enjoy the wrongness! 

1. The Vandals, "It's Christmas Time for My Penis"
In 1996, riotous and oft-hilarious punk rock favorites, The Vandals, recorded an entire album of original seasonal material. Christmas With The Vandals was, for lack of a better term, fucking insane. The most famous track on the record, "Oi to the World", was even covered by No Doubt at one point. Even more heart-warming, though, was "Christmas Time for My Penis" — an end-of-year ballad of appreciation for every man's favorite appendage. At one point, vocalist Dave Quackenbush lists potential gifts for his little "pal": "new lotion? A hat? A monocle?" Who can't relate to that?

2. Frank Turner & Butch Walker, "Merry Christmas, You Cunts"

As you may be aware, British people (like Frank Turner) do not fear the C-word as much as Americans. Not only is it not a gender-specific slur over there, it's barely even an insult. Wander into any pub on the isle on any Friday night and you will hear table upon table of BFFs referring to each other as cunts. With this in mind, sit back, relax and enjoy this heart-warming ode to the festive season. Just look at their joyful little faces!

3. Lady Gaga, "Christmas Tree"
Lady Gaga is so potently charged with sexual energy, she can make the term "Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la la" sound positively filthy. Her Christmas tree is delicious, y'all, and she wants to be on top for all that "Pa-rump-a-pum-pum". We're not sure what was going on in the studio when she recorded this, but we'd put money on the fact that she was only wearing tinsel. 

4. Tom Waits "Christmas Card From a Hooker in Minneapolis" 
Oh sweet, harrowing, turbulent, whiskey-drenched misery, thy name is Tom Waits. This is less about sexual filth than sexual consequences. What's that? It's December 25th, you say? Tom Waits doesn't care if it's your motherfuckin' birthday. Doesn't matter because life on the streets is still life on the streets. And on the streets, hookers get knocked up and left alone. In freezing cold Minneapolis, no less. Is that worse than a stable? Possibly! This is for those of you who want to drink yourselves into a pit of despair on Thursday. Have fun with that!

5. Pansy Division, "Homo Christmas"
We don't know about you, but nothing feels quite as festive to us, as a man in a sequined leotard shaking his sweet ass next to a Christmas tree, along with a pretty boy in cut-off short shorts. (We've all been there.) C'mon! Let's singalong with them: "Don't be miserable like Morrissey, let me do you underneath the Christmas tree!" Classic. (Something tells us that this isn't the same Christmas tree Lady Gaga was talking about a minute ago...)

Happy Holidays, everyone!
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Rae Alexandra


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