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Wednesday, December 17, 2014

The 10 Most Ridiculous Things About The Voice Finale Last Night

Posted By on Wed, Dec 17, 2014 at 8:52 AM

  • NBC
The Voice might be the least terrible of television's singing competitions — but that in no way means that it isn't also its own special degree of terrible. Season 7 wrapped up last night after a competition that weeded out any interesting acts even earlier than it usually does. What we were left with was a very typical country guy (Craig Wayne Boyd), a vocally talented but charisma-free soul singer (Damien... just... Damien), a pretty boy Justin Timberlake-alike (Chris Jameson) and an alright singer-songwriter with neck tattoos and round glasses (Matt McAndrew). The two-night finale was awash with elements that were forehead-slappingly stupid. Here are a selection of our favorites: 

1. Adam Levine's Ever-Increasing Smugness Levels
Once he found out that he had three artists in the final four, Adam Levine puffed himself up so big, it was like his ego was trying to escape his own body because there wasn't enough room in there. In addition to constantly chastising the audience for cheering because he needed to talk (no, really), he repeatedly—when "critiquing" his own artists—engaged in a degree of hyperbole that was borderline insane. The pinnacle of this occurred when he told Matt McAndrew, with an entirely straight face, that McAndrew's original (i.e. not a cover) song (we can't remember what it was called or how it went because that's how interesting it was) was "one of the best songs I've ever heard in my life". In your entire life, Adam Levine? Really? Somebody get this man a doctor before his head explodes clean off his tight little muscular neck.

click to enlarge NBC
  • NBC

2. Heinous Song Choices
The problem with The Voice is that it dresses itself up like it's a more artistic, more intelligent version of American Idol, but when it comes down to the final rounds, any shreds of originality that may once have been present in the contestants get ironed out to make them as palatable as possible for a mainstream audience. So while the initial "blind auditions" are always fun and exciting, by the end of it — as we saw on Monday night — the poor contestants are reduced to covering "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" and (dear GOD) "Somewhere Over the (Bastard) Rainbow". Literally nobody needs to see that. NOBODY. Not even my gran.

3. Pharrell's Visible Boredom

Pharrell Williams was a delightful addition to this season of The Voice. In the early chair-turning rounds, he was enthusiastic and smart; charming and polite. He coached his artists constructively and with a lot of care. Then none of his singers made it to the final (the one he loved most of all, Sugar Joans, didn't even come close) and in last night's episode (which was live), when the camera cut to him during introductions, he was sat, slack-jawed, open-mouthed and slumped forward, clearly wishing he was somewhere else (probably in the studio with Sugar Joans, recording more Amy Winehouse covers). Poor Pharrell remained hunched over for plenty of the rest of the episode. It's alright, chum. It's all over now. 

  • NBC

4. The Sheer Length of the Finale
If you have any sense, you've not been watching this, so — just so you know — the structure of The Voice is an episode of performances, interviews with coaches and behind the scenes stuff on Monday night. Then on Tuesday, NBC wastes an hour of the audience's life by dragging out the results show for a full 60 minutes, when they could literally announce who's still in during a commercial break. Well, since last night was the finale, some genius decided an hour of nonsense to find out who won just wasn't enough. So this thing was two hours. TWO! It's like one of the network suits sat down in a meeting and said "Look guys, we really need to find a way to make that three-hour Peter Pan Live! debacle we just did look less gratuitous and dull. Let's just put a Voice results show on for 120 minutes — America will be begging us to bring back Walken in that Cher wig!"

6. Bruno Mars' Hair
Last night, Bruno Mars sang his song "Uptown Funk" in front of a white limo, with a full head of curlers in. Just like your drunk Aunty does before a wedding. Lovely.

click image YOUTUBE
  • YouTube
7. Carson Daly's Babbling
We've said it before, but we seriously don't understand how Carson Daly is still on TV. Not only does he closely resemble a sack of corn with a smiley face drawn on it, but some of the things that come out of his mouth sound like a 10-year-old came up with them. Last night, introducing a segment about Blake Shelton, he said "MC Blakey Blake is, indeed, in the house." Earlier, of Pharrell, Daly said: "He is the hat-wearing music producer with wisdom beyond his years." How is "hat-wearing" the first thing you say about Pharrell fucking Williams? Go home, Daly, you're drunk. Probably on Adam Levine's pheromones.

8. Meghan Trainor
That's it. Just: Meghan Trainor.

9. Any and All Group Performances
The Voice will stand, forever and always, as a testament to how weird it is when you lump together a pile of artists from completely different genres and make them sing together. Pharrell, Gwen, Blake and Adam doing a Christmas song last night was better than The Voice's usual efforts, but only because Christmas songs are at a spectacularly annoying level to begin with. (Really, they can't get worse no matter what you do to them.) Truthfully though, when the entire Top 20 from the season had to get together and sing, that shit was just... awkward as fuck, dressed up as WOOP! CAMARADERIE!  

10. The Inevitable
Damien (it's still just Damien) came in fourth. Chris Jameson came in third. Matt McAndrew came in second. And Craig Wayne Boyd, and the tousled haircut that Gwen Stefani gave him, won. This was inevitable because: country music. And also, aside from anything else, if someone on Adam's team had managed to win, he would've been so intoxicated with his own power, he'd have turned into a Transformer robot and wrecked the studio. So congratulations Team Blake and Nashville man. We swear, we're not doing this to ourselves again next year...  
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