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Wednesday, June 11, 2014

5 Songs About Marriage That'll Make You Stay Single Forever

Posted By on Wed, Jun 11, 2014 at 9:38 AM

Morrissey says don't do it. Anyone surprised?
  • Morrissey says don't do it. Anyone surprised?

At this time in our history, straight folk could really learn a thing or two about marriage enthusiasm from the LGBT community. Every time we see a high-profile marriage between a couple of lady celebrities (have you seen Linda Perry and Sara Gilbert lately? So cute!), or a couple of dudes (a second wedding for Elton John and David Furnish? Hurrah!), our hearts are touched in special places. But, as we all know, there's no greater misery leveler in the world than Morrissey; a man who loves men, but still hates marriage as much as straight people. We've known this for years, but the his new track, "Kick the Bride Down the Aisle," has really hammered that home for us. Here are five more songs that'll make you want to stay single for all eternity.

"Better Off Without a Wife," Tom Waits

"Better Off Without a Wife" is full of super-convincing reasons to not be married. Like sleeping until noon, hanging out in bars, roaming the city willy-nilly, doing whatever the hell you want without having to check with someone first and generally having a wonderful time on your own. What's not to love about that? Also, let's not forget that ever important 'no-rice-marks-on-the-face' factor to consider.


"Love Will Tear Us Apart," Joy Division

Remember the first time you heard "Love Will Tear Us Apart"? It's such a stark and bleak and monumentally depressing look into the inner workings of a marriage falling apart, even after only one listen, you're left with the overwhelming urge to fly solo for the rest of your days. And even after 500 listens -- when it's supposed to have lost all meaning -- the opening lines, "When routine bites hard, And ambitions are low, And resentment rides high, But emotions won't grow," are still so stifling and exhausting, it's enough to give you a full-blown marriage phobia.

"The River," Bruce Springsteen

No one has ever made marriage sound quite so much like a prison sentence as The Boss does on "The River." It's the ultimate wear-a-condom anthem, where marriage is simply what happens when you accidentally knock up your girlfriend. Springsteen sounds positively suicidal here: "Man, that was all she wrote. And for my 19th birthday, I got a union card and a wedding coat, We went down to the courthouse, And the judge put it all to rest, No windy smiles, No walk down the aisle, No flowers, No wedding dress..." Aw, Christ, just put a bullet in us now and get it over with, Bruce. 

"Family Portrait," Pink

Because nothing makes you want to stay single forever more than hearing the horror of what could happen if you marry the wrong person, get caught up in your own bullshit, then just torture your own children with a messy divorce for years. If the kid in "The River" ever grew up and decided to write a song about family life, it would probably sound a lot like Pink's "Family


Pretty Much Every Track on Fleetwood Mac's Rumours

If you're ever not quite sure of the depth of pain and misery two humans can cause one another in a marriage, just pull out a copy of Fleetwood Mac's Rumours and listen in awe and horror as Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham kick the living shit out of each other. The most famous example of this is "You Can Go Your Own Away," on which Buckingham is basically saying: 'Hey! You're the love of my life! I want to give you everything!' but ultimately resigning himself to absolute rejection. But our favorite part of Rumours is final track of the record, "Gold Dust Woman," when Nicks basically calls Buckingham a massive, snivelling baby for being upset about his marriage going to shit, and admitting that, yes, she is actually a bit evil.

-- @Raemondjjjj

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