Hey (heterosexual) women! Something really great just happened and we can't wait to tell you about it! Aren't you tired of all those silly conversations where you and your girlfriends discuss what you're looking for in a mate? All that talk about personality and humor and shared interests and ambition and blah, blah, blah. I mean, is that really what you want in a man? Is it? It's okay. You can be honest. Because -- I'm sure we can all agree on this -- truthfully, deep down, all we really desire in a relationship is to be reduced to a human accessory; an empty shell; body parts with no thoughts or personality of our own. What we really want is to be voiceless and on the arm of a man who has no interest in us other than how we make him look. Now that's a recipe for a long-lasting marriage! Are we right, ladies?
Look, it's just time to finally speak up. Because Future and Kanye West have very thoughtfully teamed up and written a beautiful love song about this most idyllic of relationships. It's called "I Won" -- because, as we all know, being in a non-platonic partnership has nothing to do with equality and respect and real human feelings, and everything to do with the penis-bearers fighting each other to win ownership of the boob-displayers. Life just got so simple for us all! So, ladies, put that pesky brain to rest. You won't be needing that anymore!
Let's just have Future and Kanye explain, since they do it so eloquently here:
And you thought the term "trophy wife" was a bad thing... Psh.
Just to recap here, Future tells his lady friend (Ciara, who's pregnant right now, incidentally): "You say that money don't matter, it's times and the memories, and now that ass is getting fatter and I know it's because of me." While Kanye -- oh, Yeezy, you truly are the gift that keeps on giving -- declares (to his soon-to-be-wife, Kim Kardashian): "I want to dip that ass in gold. I made it over NBA, NFL players, so every time I score, it's like the Superbowl."
We know, ladies. It's so devastating that men this articulate and classy and loving, are off the market now. What do we have to do to find men this awesome? Seriously, Ciara must feel really great about her guy every time she hears the part in "I Won" where Future wants the world to know about you guys "fuckin' on the dresser just to make that pussy wetter." And Kim! As if Kim hadn't been honored enough in that majestic video for "Bound 2," Kanye wants to revisit it all over again here. "My trophy on that Bound bike, I gave you only pipe." Shucks. Those ladies are lucky, lucky, lucky.
So girls, we can't all achieve our lifelong goals of becoming trophy wives -- darn it! -- but at least now it's clear what our roles should be. Give it a few years and plastic surgeons will be throwing in free lobotomies with boob jobs just to make the whole process easier for everyone.
-- @Raemondjjjj
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