By RYAN RITCHIE
Good music tends to get people in the mood. Sadly, not every artist is Marvin Gaye, nor is every song "Let's Get It On." Some tunes, while perfectly awesome in their own right, just don't have the right ingredients to make people want to get naked. And seeing how today is Valentine's Day, the last thing anyone needs is a soundtrack that makes you keep your clothes on. With that in mind, here are 10 songs that should be saved for Saturday -- or really, any other day but today.
10. Amy Winehouse - "You Know I'm No Good"
Even if you aren't any good at the horizontal tango, you don't want to tell your partner that. Especially before doing the deed. Plus, no matter how amazing this song is, or how unfuckingbelievable the entire Back to Black record is, I can't hear an Amy Winehouse song without thinking about how she's dead. Maybe that's your thing. (If so, I highly recommend the remix of this song with Ghostface Killah.) However, if thinking about the deceased while getting naked isn't your idea of fun, save this one for some other time.
9. Beyonce featuring Jay-Z - "Drunk in Love"
Picture it: Valentine's Day. Midnight. You've had a few glasses of wine and a romantic dinner at your favorite restaurant. Back at home, some making out begins on the couch. Suddenly, clothes are flying off. Then this song comes on, and quickly -- depending on your role in the relationship -- your mind drifts to one of two thoughts: 1) You weren't in Destiny's Child, and didn't go on to a ridiculously successful solo career only to marry the best rapper alive; or, 2) You aren't the best rapper alive, didn't marry the sexiest, richest, most talented female solo artist alive, and you most certainly have never done anything half as awesome as The Blueprint. Just like that, you're comparing whatever schlub you've got with Bey or Hov -- and we're all gonna lose that one. Next thing you know, you aren't drunk in love. You're just drunk.
8. The Smiths - "Girlfriend in a Coma"
If it's Valentine's Day and you're thinking about your girlfriend being in a coma, you're doing something very, very wrong. Unless, of course, you are thinking about putting your significant other in a coma 'cause you finna do work like it was your honeymoon. If that's the case, then by all means, play this song. Don't worry -- they'll pull through.
7. Ornette Coleman - "Free Jazz"
Yes, "Free Jazz" is a killer 37-minute improvised avant garde jazz tune composed by a double quartet. Sadly, killer 37-minute improvised avant garde jazz tunes composed by double quartets are not and never will be synonymous with "let's knock boots."
6. MC Hammer - "U Can't Touch This"
Hammer's my boy, but, um, on Valentine's Day, he's wrong -- you most certainly can touch this.
5. Robin Thicke featuring T.I. and Pharrell Williams - "Blurred Lines"
"Blurred Lines" might be a perfect Valentine's Day song ... if Valentine's Day happened in March 2013. But actually, release date aside, doesn't this song just suck?
4. One Direction - "Best Song Ever"
Honestly, I've never heard this group, and -- full disclosure -- I didn't watch this video either. In even fuller disclosure, I selected this video only because it was the first one that popped up on YouTube. That said, unless you are 12 years old, you should not be having sexual intercourse to a teenage boy band. If you are 12 years old and having sexual intercourse to a teenage boy band, allow me to say this: Congratulations and please wear a condom.
3. Bold - "Nailed to the X"
Wait -- you're listening to a straight edge band while doing it? There isn't enough bandwidth on this site to explain how fucking wrong that is.
2. The Cure - "Plainsong"
If you ever come into my house and I'm playing anything off Disintegration, please call 9-1-1 immediately, because I am definitely about to kill myself. That's not to say I don't love "Plainsong" or any of the other 11 tracks on this 1989 album. I do. But, let's face it -- this is one depressing song on one very depressing album. And if there's one day of the year when we shouldn't think about how goddamn miserable we are, it's Valentine's Day. I grant Robert Smith the right to provide the soundtrack to the other 364 days of the year, but February 14 belongs to someone else.
1. Mark Morrison - "Return of the Mack"
The last thing your partner needs is to feel like s/he is the first piece of action you're getting in a long time. So, let's save "Return of the Mack" for karaoke bars and instead put on something like Montell Jordan's "This is How We Do It." This year, Valentine's Day falls on a Friday, which means I -- and you -- should feel alright. I mean, the party's on the Westside, so let's reach for our 40s and turn it up. And, hey, designated driver, take the keys to my truck....
