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5. Robin Thicke featuring T.I. and Pharrell Williams - "Blurred Lines"
"Blurred Lines" might be a perfect Valentine's Day song ... if Valentine's Day happened in March 2013. But actually, release date aside, doesn't this song just suck?
4. One Direction - "Best Song Ever"
Honestly, I've never heard this group, and -- full disclosure -- I didn't watch this video either. In even fuller disclosure, I selected this video only because it was the first one that popped up on YouTube. That said, unless you are 12 years old, you should not be having sexual intercourse to a teenage boy band. If you are 12 years old and having sexual intercourse to a teenage boy band, allow me to say this: Congratulations and please wear a condom.
3. Bold - "Nailed to the X"
Wait -- you're listening to a straight edge band while doing it? There isn't enough bandwidth on this site to explain how fucking wrong that is.
2. The Cure - "Plainsong"
If you ever come into my house and I'm playing anything off Disintegration, please call 9-1-1 immediately, because I am definitely about to kill myself. That's not to say I don't love "Plainsong" or any of the other 11 tracks on this 1989 album. I do. But, let's face it -- this is one depressing song on one very depressing album. And if there's one day of the year when we shouldn't think about how goddamn miserable we are, it's Valentine's Day. I grant Robert Smith the right to provide the soundtrack to the other 364 days of the year, but February 14 belongs to someone else.
1. Mark Morrison - "Return of the Mack"
The last thing your partner needs is to feel like s/he is the first piece of action you're getting in a long time. So, let's save "Return of the Mack" for karaoke bars and instead put on something like Montell Jordan's "This is How We Do It." This year, Valentine's Day falls on a Friday, which means I -- and you -- should feel alright. I mean, the party's on the Westside, so let's reach for our 40s and turn it up. And, hey, designated driver, take the keys to my truck....
