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Friday, December 13, 2013

Henry Rollins' Top 5 Douchiest Tough-Guy Roles

Posted By on Fri, Dec 13, 2013 at 8:52 AM


Guess what, everybody? Henry Rollins has a new movie coming out! And he's in the lead role for once! And it's a beautifully nuanced romantic drama about... Oh, no. Wait. Sorry. It's actually a movie about a cannibal, called He Never Died. And Henry is the cannibal. Because of course Henry Rollins is playing a cannibal. Because, Henry Rollins, despite being an articulate, sensitive, deeply intelligent, incredibly sympathetic, all-round-likeable dude, is literally only ever cast in asshole tough-guy roles. Is it because TV show and filmmakers can't see past his bulging muscles and gigantic neck? Or is it that -- in a fit of self-hatred and/ or self-deprecation -- Henry only feels comfortable playing total douche-lords? Whatever the reason, Hank's acting career thus far makes him look like King of the macho shit-heads.

Here then, to revel in the ridiculousness of it all, are Henry Rollins' Top 5 douchiest tough guy roles.

5. Mr. Jericho, The Drew Carey Show

This one gets to be at the top of the list because although Rollins, true to type, played a professional, tarp-wielding, leather glove-wearing thug in this 2002 episode of The Drew Carey Show, he got to say things like "There's nothing more forgiving than a mother's love" and "It's a hot broth of emotion unless you sip it slowly," before kicking Oswald Lee Harvey's ass in his own kitchen. Skip to 2:49 for the fun stuff.

4. Robotman, Batman: The Brave and The Bold

Even in cartoon form, Henry can't catch a break. In Cartoon Network series, Batman: The Brave and The Bold, Rollins played Robotman: an "obnoxious, anti-social jerk" with virtually no will to live, a penchant for using "stinkin'" as a curse word, and the conversational skills of Debbie Downer. Happy-happy, joy-joy, kids!

3. Sid Gronic, Jack Frost

We're gonna go ahead and assume that you've never seen Jack Frost, based on the fact that it's a movie about a young boy's dead father getting reincarnated as a FUCKING SNOWMAN. However, even in a schmaltz-filled cheese-fest such as this, someone managed to squeeze Rollins into the role of a halfway-psychotic hockey coach father who puts way too much pressure on the kids in his care. Stop yelling at the children, Henry. Please.

2. Officer Dobbs, The Chase

We realize that Rollins probably thought this role would be hilariously ironic given the well-documented cop-related problems he dealt with during his time in Black Flag. He was right about the irony part, but not only was his role as this self-satisfied, irritating, cowardly, by-the-book police officer unfunny, it was downright unbearable to watch. This was also back before Rollins had figured out how to act even a tiny bit, so the badness is amplified all the way up to 11.

1. AJ Weston, Sons of Anarchy

In Sons of Anarchy's first two seasons, Henry Rollins played AJ Weston -- a repugnant skinhead with "I Kill Niggers" tattooed across his chest. (No, really.) Weston was so evil and such an almighty fucking dickwad that he arranged (and participated in) the gang-rape of Jax's mother/ Clay's wife, just 'cause, like, he kind of had a point to prove. Comfortingly, he eventually died in the scummiest way possible -- executed by Jax as he sat on a dirty toilet, inside the bathroom stall of a really janky tattoo shop. They don't come douchier than this douche.

-- @Raemondjjjj

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