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Friday, November 15, 2013

One Direction Decide to Be Mumford & Sons, Embarrass Us and Themselves

Posted By on Fri, Nov 15, 2013 at 1:50 PM

Sometimes, when new songs come out, we're so overcome with rage that the urge to simply write curse words over and over again until they form a paragraph is overwhelming. For example, when we first heard One Direction's new single earlier this week, all we really wanted to do was post a link to the video next to the phrase: "Fuck you in the fucking eyeballs, you shower of hackneyed twats."

While that sentence remains an accurate representation of how we feel about the Brit boy-band, we've had a few days to calm down, so now feel ready to present the unbelievably contrived, ball of maggot-infested cat litter that is "Story of My Life." As you watch this, try your very best not to claw your own face off in a manner not dissimilar to that dude in Poltergeist:

That's right, kids! One Direction have decided they want to be Mumford & Sons now! You can tell because one of them is wearing a vest! And there are sections of "haunted" harmonized backing vocals! And a steady and relentless drumbeat! Could these side-stepping, fist-clenching, hair-preening dick-faces be any more obvious? Er, no. Nope. This is about as subtle as a freakin' air raid.

You might be interested to know that the U.K. has a history of fashioning boy bands around more alternative music. The results are just a useless, super-watered down version of what they're copying of course, but it is a fascinating phenomenon that we don't seem to deal with over here. For example, after Green Day and Blink 182 got huge, Britain quickly had to contend with pop-punk-lite from a tween-friendly band named Busted. Have a look at this disgrace:

Then there was also another boy-band over there who did indie-lite. They were called McFly and were, frankly, fucking embarrassing:

However, with both McFly and Busted, at least everyone knew what the vibe was from the get-go. One Direction have done a sharp 180 overnight and clearly expect no one to notice. For this X Factor team to wake up one morning and decide they suddenly want to be taken more seriously -- so they'll just be Mumford & Sons -- isn't just profoundly stupid and misguided, it's also a slap in the face to the world's intelligence. Even more so than One Direction already was. And we didn't think that was even possible!

Boys, truly, you've arrived to the banjo party way too late. No amount of vests over white shirts with the sleeves rolled up can save you at this stage in the game. Please go back to running around like modern-day Monkees and churning out your bouncy pop nonsense as soon as possible. We hate it but at least it's less of a lie than this.

-- @Raemondjjjj

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