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Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Katy Perry, Oft-Naked Pop Star, Tells Other Naked Pop Stars to "Put it Away"

Posted By on Wed, Oct 30, 2013 at 9:15 AM


Katy Perry tried to make a coherent argument about something topical over the weekend, but instead emitted an under-considered stream of consciousness that made her look simultaneously short-sighted, hypocritical, and completely dunder-headed, all in the space of about 60 seconds. That's quite a feat when you think about it! To make matters worse, the interview in question was with one of the smartypants at NPR's Weekend Edition.

While talking about her peers in the industry, Perry stated, with an apparently straight face:  "Like, females in pop -- everybody's getting naked. I mean, I've been naked before, but I don't feel like I have to always get naked to be noticed."

No, because when Katy Perry isn't naked (and anyone who's ever done a Google Image search on this woman will tell you that she is quite frequently photographed and filmed in a clothes-free state), Katy Perry is wearing outfits that are actually more over-the-top, more tasteless, and more focused on intimate female body parts than anything her actually-naked colleagues have been doing.

Perry went on: "I mean, it's like everybody's so naked. It's like 'Put it away!'"
It's like, she has zero recollection of making a video in which she spends virtually the entire thing either naked, wearing an insanely creepy cupcake bra with cherries for nipples, or squirting whipped cream from canisters attached to her hooters. Here's a refresher, in the unlikely event that your brain has scrubbed itself clean of this.

Perry continues: "I haven't played my taking-off-all-my-clothes card yet" -- except for in the video for "California Gurls" ... and on the cover (the cover!) of the Teenage Dream album ... and in several easy-to-find-online photo shoots -- "Maybe when I'm 35 I will. I don't need to do it now because I've got great songs. If I'm super-desperate, maybe I will then."

Listening to this woman talk with such confidence about how not naked she's been, despite the wealth of recorded evidence to the contrary, makes us concerned for her mental health. There isn't a human alive in America who doesn't have at least a pretty good idea of what Katy Perry looks like naked. For her to assume she is in any way different from Rihanna or Miley Cyrus or Lady Gaga in the nudity stakes is completely absurd.

Perry's NPR interview did result in a brief moment of clarity, in which she suddenly recalled: "Actually, I did take all my clothes off, for Teenage Dream. I was on a cotton candy cloud showing my... back." Phew! She does have a memory! Oh no. Wait. Our bad. Because she's about to contradict everything she said literally five seconds ago, as she tries to reach a conclusion. "I don't have the body for it. If I had, like, Rihanna's body, I'd take my clothes off. But I don't." Wait. What?! We thought the songs were too good for that right now? Isn't nudity just for washed up 35-year-olds? We don't understand!

We can't help but wonder if the hamster running Katy Perry's brain wheel has smoked some crack and developed multiple personalities. Her conclusion on the subject goes something like this, then: pop stars shouldn't be naked because that means they're desperate and have run out of ideas. Except for when she's naked, which has happened, but it hasn't happened very much at all, except for when it has, but that doesn't count because it's not full frontal and there was a fluffy cloud in the picture. And actually, she would be naked all the time but she doesn't like her body enough, so everything else stated before that last bit is completely null and void.

-- @Raemondjjjj

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Rae Alexandra


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