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Friday, May 31, 2013

The Saturdays' Awful 'Gentleman': If Only Their Rainbow Could Find a Husband Like It Was 1999

Posted By on Fri, May 31, 2013 at 8:42 AM


There are a few things the world of popular culture doesn't need more of. The first is contrived and soulless reality show television. The second is a continuing limited idea of "proper" female sexuality. And the third is lousy fucking pop music. Prepare to be dazzled, then, by one single that covers all of those hideous bases. Welcome to "Gentleman" by British pop starlets/American E! reality TV stars, The Saturdays.

Before we even get to any of the aforementioned faults, there are a few other things to talk about. The first and most glaring problem with "Gentleman" is the ladies' godawful attempt at American accents. Sure, it's not unusual for British singers to adopt a U.S. twang while singing -- frankly, it just sounds sleeker than the Billy Bragg approach, so we understand completely why it's sometimes necessary.

The Saturdays here, though, are out of the realms of emphasizing their 'R's unnaturally for the sake of clarity and straight slap-bang in the middle of cringe-worthy, inaccurate ghetto impersonations. People in the British Isles, for the record, do not say "hit it and quit it" with a great deal of regularity.

Then there's all of the weird slut-shaming lyrics here. "You're not a lady if you're always on your knees," they sing; "He's already had the milk, so why would he go buy the cow?" they also sing. Oh, right ladies. Okay. Us women should just keep our vaginas off limits until the wedding night then, yeah? Because real ladies don't have sexual urges. Yawn-fuckin'-yawn.

Which takes us to the chorus. Can somebody please make some sense of this for us?
"A gentleman is so 1995, so hard for a girl to find/ A real husband's so 1999, so hard for a girl to find." Here's the thing we can't figure out: what the hell do The Saturdays think happened in 1995 and 1999 that was so vastly different from now? Call us old, but this is a real head-scratcher. We were alive and conscious and socializing in the 1990s, and it wasn't vastly different. "Go! Go! Go nineties!" The Saturdays croon, apparently unaware that relationships were the same in that decade as they are in this one. Actually, no. That's a lie. It was slightly worse in the '90s, because no one received nearly as many naked photos from the people they were dating back then. Bleak times.

Finally, we'd like to tackle what we think might be one of the worst lyrics we have ever heard. If you're trying to get a man to respect you, there are better ways of doing it than invoking Skittles advertising jingles: "I let you taste my rainbow, you could at least be faithful." Rainbow? RAINBOW?! We're all for inventing new euphemisms for vagina, but rainbow is just weak. Why not just call your labia "unicorns" and be done with it?

So yes, The Saturdays' "Gentleman" is far and away the worst new song of the week. We can only hope that this monstrosity doesn't prompt young women everywhere to run home and wrap up their rainbows in chastity belts for fear of not finding a husband from 1999. Absolute nonsense.

-- @Raemondjjjj

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