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Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Boobylicious: Five Insanely Breast-Centric Stage Outfits

Posted By on Wed, Apr 17, 2013 at 9:20 AM

Boobs. Everyone loves 'em -- even gay men. So can we really blame pop starlets for coming up with outfits that push the appearance of their breasticles to cartoonish levels? The answer is: Yes. Yes we can. Not only are there small children watching, but presenting breasts as cakes and/or flamethrowers just seems a little overblown, no? Here are five degrees of boobylicious stage outfits.

The Madonna


As with many things lady-pop-star-related, Madge was the first to do it. Her Jean Paul Gaultier cone bras, made for the 1990 Blond Ambition tour, were both controversial and a breath of fresh air for women everywhere who wanted to let their assets speak loud and proud. Madonna has never been one to hide her sexuality, and she's been a vocal proponent of female strength since, well, forever. So if she was gonna put a corset on, it had better make her baby-feeders look like weapons. Mission accomplished! 

The Katy Perry


So, Madonna went for power and Katy went for... cake. We're still not entirely sure what Ms. Perry is trying to say with her cherry-topped bra-cups and cream-shooting chest strap-ons, but it's definitely weird and it definitely makes our ta-tas feel all vulnerable and delicate. Is she making some kind of statement about women's ability to nourish small humans? We'd like to think so, but we're not quite convinced. 

The Lady Gaga

click to enlarge gaga_fireworks.jpg

As with everything in her career, Lady Gaga took her cues from Madonna here. This stage ensemble was the visual equivalent of saying: "Alright Ms. Ciccone. I see your Gaultier boob cones and I raise you a nipple-related firework display." Is it stealing an idea? Kind of. But let's face it, Gaga can do whatever the hell she wants. And, regardless, we kind of suspect her tits probably do this even without the bra.

The Janet Jackson


It was the mammary gland that shocked a nation! The thing that we loved most about this entire Super Bowl incident in 2004 (was it really that long ago?) was that, when Janet Jackson told us this was a "wardrobe malfunction," she basically implied to the entire world that she never leaves the house without wearing her sun-shaped nipple clamps. What's not to love about that? Everybody knows that telling millions of people you have kinky shit going on under your clothes all of the time is way better than just saying "Sorry you didn't like our awesome stage show." Brilliant.

The Beyonce

From this day forth, Beyonce will no longer be known as Bootylicious. Yay, from the year 2013, she will be Boobylicious -- entirely because of this insane stage outfit. The most recent addition to the Boob Crew, Bey debuted this nip-centric outfit just earlier this week, on tour in Serbia. We don't really understand what the point is. Wouldn't it make more sense to just go onstage in a sheer top? We're pretty sure Beyonce's real body is a work of art. The fake nipples probably don't do her justice... Just sayin'.

-- @Raemondjjjj

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