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Friday, November 16, 2012

Backstreet Boys Release Totally Unnecessary Christmas Single

Posted By on Fri, Nov 16, 2012 at 7:56 AM


Earlier this week, we broke the devastating news that INXS were only just breaking up (15 years too late). Well, apparently, we're currently in the midst of an epidemic of bands plowing on well past their sell-by dates because -- that's right -- the Backstreet Boys are still a thing! And we just found this incredibly depressing news out via the medium of that most heinous of holiday traditions -- the goddamn Christmas single. Way to not sugarcoat it for us, fellas.

We can't help but feel that 20 years after the band originally formed, its name could use a little updating: Backstreet Men? Backstreet Has-Beens? Backstreet Dudes Clinging Hopelessly to Their Youth? Delusional Backstreet Bastards? Any of those would do. Truly, the only thing more undignified than being in a boy band is being in a boy band while approaching middle-age.

A pile of ex-pop-stars referring to themselves as Boys while in their mid-30s would be depressing at any time of the year, but to force it upon us during the holidays is just downright cruel.

Let's listen to the pointless, jangly, sleigh-bells-infused nonsense that is "It's Christmas Time Again" and try not to slit our wrists, shall we?

It's like they sat down with a list of Christmas song cliches and mashed them all together in a frenzy of pop sickliness. Bells ringing in steeples, falling snow, Santa, weird gift innuendos, making wishes near trees -- it's all here, folks.

"I've been bad, I've been good and you know that I did what I should," is such an awful lyric, even in the context of the dumbest of pop ditties, that the first time we heard it, we had to struggle not to vomit in our own mouths a little bit.

Also, we're pretty sure the "Boys" stole the "town, town, town, down, down, down" bit on the chorus from fictional drunken buffoon Aldous Snow in Get Him to the Greek.

What is the purpose of "It's Christmas Time Again" anyway? Aside from an obvious, desperate cash-in during that special time of year when people spend money on a bunch of crap they don't need, we mean. To give half-drunk moms something to dance to on Christmas Day when they've run out of Michael Buble and Justin Bieber? This thing is so deeply aggravating, it makes Mariah Carey's back-catalog of seasonal songs look like gifts from on high.

The only silver lining to this entire waste of air-space is that Backstreet Boys did this on their own, rather than roping in New Kids On The Block to join in, too. Because -- in case you haven't heard -- the two bands have been performing together as NKOTBSB (catchy!) since last year.

Ultimately, "It's Christmas Time Again" will live on merely as a reminder that Christmas really is the worst time of year for music. And also, that people whose careers peaked in their early 20s frequently spend the rest of their lives desperately clinging to former glories and trying in vain to re-create them. All we want for Christmas now is a heavy-duty pair of ear-plugs. Happy It's-Not-Even-Thanksgiving-Yet, everyone!

-- @Raemondjjjj

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