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Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Metallica and Vans Shoes? Five Better Product Ideas for the Metallica Marketing Machine

Posted By on Tue, Oct 2, 2012 at 10:33 AM

The upcoming Metallica Vans shoe.
  • The upcoming Metallica Vans shoe.

Well no, actually -- a Metallica-Vans partnership doesn't seem all that "inevitable" to us, despite this statement from both parties today chirping that "many a skate trick is landed with Vans shoes on the feet and a Metallica tune in one's head." Maybe that was true in, like, 1992. Maybe the Vans folks should look for a Lil B partnership today.

Alas: Come January, Metallica will unleash a very black new shoe to its fan club members; normal humans will have to wait until March for the Kill 'Em All Half-Cab, which is, as you can imagine, very, very black. (And yes, it is a shoe tribute to the band's first album.) The California footwear maker also got each band member to design their own take on a Vans model; those will be out in February.

But still: Shoes aren't necessarily the first product that comes to mind we one think of Metallica. Here, then are five products the band could more suitably put its stamp on, along with the Metallica song or album they should take inspiration from.

1. Ride the Lightning condoms

Don't think of it as going to the electric chair. Think of it as taking a crazy (joy-) ride, the likes of which may change your life forever. Hey, if KISS had this great a product-song synergy, you know they'd be on it already.

2. "Fuel"-edition Chevy Camaro or Ford Mustang

We're not sure if James Hetfield is a Chevy guy or a Ford guy, but either retro rocket would suit our purposes here. We're imagining big flames down the side, maybe a fire-breathing Pushead skull emblazoned on the hood, huge chrome wheels, and a paint job inspired by the blood-and-semen artwork of Load. Also, wouldn't a $40,000 muscle car hit the Metallica demo better than a $60 pair of skate shoes? This alone could save Detroit.

3. "Trapped Under Ice" Beer Cozy

Obvious! Someone get on this!

4. "Wherever I May Roam" Portable GPS

It would come standard in the "Fuel-"edition Camaro, of course, but manly men everywhere could one day have their reluctance to ask actual humans for directions endorsed by Metallica. With a trail database and topographic capabilities, the "Wherever I May Roam" GPS will even show you where you can go to grab hunt some dinner. Again, it'd hit the Metallica fanbase dead-on.

5. "Better Than You" herbal mood stimulator

Sure, no band as far as we know has done the signature pharmaceutical thing, but why couldn't Metallica be the first -- and sell a few more copies of ReLoad in the process? Its music is already like a gut-chugging boost of arrogance, an exhilarating, endorphin-releasing visceral thrill (at least at its best) -- there should be a pill to go with it. Make 'em black and red and stamped with little Metallica "M" logos, and we bet they'd be hot sellers on the Five-Hour Energy rack.

-- @iPORT

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Ian S. Port


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