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Friday, September 28, 2012

Christina Aguilera's "Your Body": Even Tackier Than "Dirrty"

Posted By on Fri, Sep 28, 2012 at 4:30 AM


Remember when Christina Aguilera was all oily and gross and rolling around with her crotch out all the time? Talking about wanting to get "Dirrty" and stuff? And how depressing it was because she was so young? Well, new single "Your Body" proudly harks back to Xtina's days of filth -- it's as if Back To Basics and The Voice never happened -- only this time it's depressing for entirely different reasons.

Picture it, if you will: You're a 10-year-old boy with a famous singer for a mother and you want to find out more about her music. Imagine the sheer depth of horror and embarrassment you would experience if you were Son of Aguilera, being faced with "Your Body" for the first time. We should note that, in the radio edit, the chorus is "All I wanna do is love your body"... but the non-radio edit sounds like this:

Can we talk about the lyrics for a minute? We really need to talk about the lyrics for a minute. Because this shit is kind of nuts.

"So open the box, don't need a key, I'm unlocked". Seriously, Xtina?! Urban Dictionary defines "Box" as: "Female genitalia, usually used in a derogatory manner." What kind of woman thinks box is a subtle analogy for their own vagina? So heinous. Christ, even the "C" word is better than the "B" word.

And it gets worse...

"I don't need to know where you've been," Aguilera sings sassily. Actually, love, we think you do. If one is going to pick up a complete stranger and hump the crap out of them, it's generally sensible in 2012 to find out if, oh, I don't know, they have any communicable STDs. That sort of thing. Finding out where your sexual partners have been is kind of important, Xtina. You sound like a fucking idiot.

"All I wanna do is fuck your body." WOW. I mean... just... wow. We didn't think it was humanly possible to write a mainstream pop song even less subtle than Rihanna's "S&M," but Aguilera for the win! This literally couldn't be any tackier. On the plus side, strippers around the globe all have something new and exciting to dance to, so that's nice.

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