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Wednesday, September 12, 2012

An Open Letter to Chris Brown and His Abhorrent Neck Tattoo

Posted By on Wed, Sep 12, 2012 at 8:40 AM

Chris Brown at the VMAs
  • Chris Brown at the VMAs

Dear Chris Brown,

About that new neck tattoo of yours that's causing such universal disdain: who the hell do you think you're fooling exactly? When the world notices that your new ink is clearly based on images of Rihanna's face after you beat the crap out of her three years ago, and you deny it, it is about as convincing as when you two imbeciles try to act like you're no longer hooking up. Stop insulting our intelligence and just own the fuck up to being the giant psycho that you are.

Sure, we were really amused when your (long-suffering) PR guy, Jeff

Raymond, released a statement denying the tattoo's close and obvious resemblance

to Rihanna, but we weren't fooled for a moment (and can't imagine what idiot would be). Honestly, we hope you

pay Mr. Raymond a lot of dough, because trying to make you look like a good

-- or even normal -- human is probably one of the hardest jobs in the

world. We bet his whole office pointed and laughed at him after he told

E! News that your "tattoo is a sugar skull and a MAC Cosmetics design." That gave us a good giggle. Last time we checked, sugar skull lady face tattoos look more like this:


Your "sugar skull" looks far more like the harrowing photo of your "ex" the night you took it upon yourself to physically brutalize her. The mouth, the almond eyes, the arched brows, the face shape -- all of those things in your tattoo are, unmistakably, Rihanna. Denying that fact is pointless and eye-roll-worthy. Oh, and we tried to find a MAC ad campaign even vaguely resembling your neck travesty and failed to do so. Can you send us one of the images you were so inspired by? We'd love to see.

And guess what, jackass? Even if we did believe you -- even if we thought this was some kind of homage to MAC cosmetics and Mexican death rituals, you still come off like the dumbest, most insensitive man in the world. I mean, what convicted woman-beater in their right mind would get a tattoo advertising the fact that they enjoy images of dead/facially disfigured women? And then put it on their goddamn neck of all places? What? You couldn't think of a body part a little more subtle? Are you trying to advertise your own misogyny, dude? If so, you're doing a stellar job.

Here's the crazy thing: you could've used this moment to gain sympathy with the public (which you've been trying to do, like a petulant three-year-old, for the last couple of years). If you'd come forward and said you regretted beating Rihanna more than anything in the world and that you wanted to wear what you've done, on your neck, every day, forever, as a scarlet letter of sorts -- as a way to atone for your own repulsive behavior, and a reminder to never be That Guy ever again -- then the world would be way more sympathetic towards you, and less inclined to think of you as the giant douche that you so clearly are.

As it stands, this has turned into yet another reason for people to despise you. Did you check Twitter yet? Here are some of our favorite responses so far. Saturday Night Live staff writer Christine Nangle said: "I like to think Lisbeth Salander tied Chris Brown to a bed and gave him that tattoo." And The Big Bang Theory's Simon Helberg Tweeted: "Chris Brown should've gotten the Rhianna [sic] tattoo without the bruises & then we could all punch him in the neck to give it that battered look." Really, you inspire a special kind of revulsion in people, Chris. It's actually kind of impressive. 

So, Mr. Brown, we'd like to make a request: disappear now, please. And if your ego is too inflated to allow for such a thing, at least do us the courtesy of not rubbing our faces in the fact that you are a woman beater who feels no remorse and merely feels sorry for himself because people ask you about it sometimes. And finally, thank you. Not that we needed one, but now we have a permanent reminder of what a terrible human being you are.

Follow us on Twitter @SFAllShookDown, follow Rae Alexandra @Raemondjjjj, and like us at

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