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Wednesday, July 25, 2012

The Top 5 Worst Birthday Songs Ever

Posted By on Wed, Jul 25, 2012 at 9:26 AM

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2. "Birthday Cake," Rihanna

Does anyone else think Rihanna's got daddy issues? She's just so eager to please all the time -- and in the most generic, obvious ways. Here, she's not really talking about birthday cake, she's talking about sex! Again! See what she did there? It's fucking obvious and terrible and all that, but it doesn't get truly embarrassing until the part that goes "Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake!" ad nauseum. If Lord of the Flies had had a birthday party, it would've been soundtracked by that bit. The rest of it is just tailor-made for use by uncreative strippers.

1. "It's Your Birthday, Bitch," DJ Felli Fel, featuring Lil Jon and Jessie Malakouti

The only explanation we can come up with for the existence of this song is that frat houses and the cast of Jersey Shore need birthday songs, too. The people who like this song and request it on special occasions are the same people that crush themselves up against barriers and scream when Kim Kardashian makes club appearances. They are the people who think that Paris Hilton will make a fine DJ. The "up in this bitch" section in the middle is fucking hilarious, but everyone involved should still be incredibly ashamed of themselves.  

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