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Wednesday, July 25, 2012

The Top 5 Worst Birthday Songs Ever

Posted By on Wed, Jul 25, 2012 at 9:26 AM

click to enlarge happy_birthday_cake_2.jpg

So, 2 Chainz and Kanye West just saw fit to join forces to write a birthday song. Called "Birthday Song." What the ball-sack were they even thinking?

It's a well known fact that there are only three birthday-related songs in the history of music that are actually good. One is Loretta Lynn's "Happy Birthday." One is "Birthday" by the Sugarcubes (which is so insanely great, it almost makes up for all the shit birthday songs in the world). The third one is "Birthday" by The Beatles (and mostly, we're just giving that one credit for the strong opening and short length).

Frankly, zany cartoon Aqua Teen Hunger Force's "Spirit Journey Formation Anniversary" birthday song (featuring Zakk Wylde) made more sense to us than either Chainz and Kanye's "Birthday Song," or any of the following. Here are our top five worst birthday songs.

5. "Happy Birthday," Stevie Wonder

We know Mr. Wonder is a treasured and hugely important figure in American music, but this song is just as irritating as the traditional "Happy Birthday" song we're all subjected to once a year, except it goes on for six freakin' minutes. Six! Like this couldn't have been done in three! It is also not a song that has aged well, with an '80s vibe stronger and more jarring than Richard Simmons' tank top collection. Shelve this mother already.

4. "Happy Birthday," Altered Images

There is nothing cute or endearing about a grown woman singing like a 6-year-old who's high on cake. Possibly the most annoying thing about this song though -- and boy oh boy, there is a long list of annoying things -- is the fact that you know that it's almost good. We were so close to having an "alt" birthday song. But no! Old helium chops had to step up, do a crazy Molly Ringwald dance, and ruin it for everybody. We would like to note that squeaky-pants Clare Grogan went on to have a great career on British television. If only she'd just done that in the first place and spared us the pain of this.

3. "Birthday Sex," Jeremih

Everything about this song -- both lyrics and delivery -- is so incredibly, mind-blowingly, stereotypically bad R&B, it's like watching a parody that lies somewhere between Dave Chapelle's "Pee on You" and Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake's "Dick in a Box." Here, Jeremih sings a variety of one-liners that are beyond comedic. Our favorites are "Tell me where you want your gift, girl" and "Don't need candles and cake, just need your body to make ... birthday sex." Absolutely absurd. Who buys this nonsense, anyway?

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Rae Alexandra


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