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Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Five Awful Attempts at Making Music by Rich, Beautiful, Famous People

Posted By on Tue, Jun 26, 2012 at 8:30 AM


As we all know, it's easy to take pot-shots at stupid, beautiful people. Incredibly entertaining, yes, but easy nonetheless. Honestly, we would stop doing it altogether, if only these clueless floozies would stick to having ridiculous incompetence levels in only their general lives, rather than stepping into the world of music and doing it there, too. Hey, models, "it" girls, and reality stars! Stop goading us with attempts to launch music careers! We have to keep laughing at you! Here are our five favorites.

1. Paris Hilton "DJ"s in Brazil on Saturday

The problem with being surrounded by Yes Men is, well, this sort of thing. We can only assume that at some point, Paris Hilton, bored in a club in the South of France or somewhere, looked at some turntables and went "I could do that! Right, you guys?" and her entourage all made coughing sounds and stared at the ceiling for a while and then just started emphatically nodding and going "Totally, sure, suuuuuuure". The result -- if Saturday's "DJ" set at Sao Paulo's Pop Music Festival is anything to go by -- is so utterly shambolic, it defies description. Observe in the above clip Paris yelling: "This is my new song, 'Last Night,' with Afrojack!" Then giggle as you hear a member of the audience mock her nasal pronunciation of "Afrojack." Finally, allow yourself to become bewildered as Hilton accidentally puts on Rihanna at the same time as 'Last Night,' then starts singing her song anyway. The (excruciating) lesson here? Putting on nice headphones and waving your arms around does not make you a DJ.

2. Tyra Banks Does a Really Elaborate Beyonce Impersonation

We're willing to admit that Tyra Banks is no dummy. She's made herself an incredibly rich woman by inventing an addictive reality TV show that went global ("America's Next Top Model"), pretending to understand non-beautiful people on her talk show, writing novels that resemble bad acid trips (Modelland), and generally failing to feel shame ever, in her life. Yes, Tyra will have a go at literally anything. Including music. Which is how "Shake Ya Body" (see above) happened. Fortunately, the song was so generic and unmemorable that the world shrugged, she quit trying to do the Beyonce-lite thing, and gave up on her deluded music dreams. However, one of the prizes on "America's Next Top Model" now is the opportunity for the winner to release a major label single. Clearly, no lessons were learned in the making of this embarrassment.

3. Kim Kardashian Does a Really Elaborate Lube Commercial

Is there anything more humiliating than only being married for 72 seconds (okay, days) after TV cameras have turned your entire relationship into an elaborate event? Yes, actually! Recording an Auto-tuned song and then attempting to publicize it by crawling through a sewer in pink rubber knickers. The result looked less music video and more softcore lube commercial. The Kardashians just buried the whole sorry incident shortly after the single was universally pooped on. In all fairness, viewers of "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" did witness Kim getting coerced, talked into, then finally convinced that doing doing this song was a great idea, by pretty much everyone around her, despite her initial reservations. It was like an after-school special about the dangers of peer pressure, mixed with a late night commercial for phone sex lines. Either way, utterly vacuous and stupid.

4. The Situation Has an Ill-Advised Auto-Tune Situation

We are not being hyperbolic when we say that this "song" (we use the term loosely -- it's more like a toddler playing with a sounds effects machine) is the musical embodiment of literally everything that is wrong with modern culture today. How did this happen? We don't know. But every single person that has ever watched Jersey Shore should feel deep, deep shame that it was allowed to occur.

5. Heidi Montag Removes Her Clothes so We Won't Notice Her Vocals (FAIL!)

At some point, around the turn of the decade, Heidi Montag went from being a silly human on a silly TV show (The Hills) to being to a devastating cautionary tale about what happens when young people are under-educated, excessively wealthy, and under the illusion that being famous is the most important thing in the world. Heidi's musical career was an exercise in cringe-worthiness from the get-go, thanks to an awkward appearance on Miss Universe 2009, and, yes, this: a song that makes Debbie Gibson's Electric Youth album look like a heart-breaking work of staggering genius. The vocals are so reed-thin and desperate on "Higher", it's like listening to a dying woman's last breath. Beyond depressing.

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