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Friday, June 15, 2012

An Open Letter To Madonna, For Apparently Running Out of Ideas

Posted By on Fri, Jun 15, 2012 at 8:21 AM


Dear Madonna,

We'd like to preface this by saying that we've always been huge fans. Your "Like A Virgin" video blew our tiny minds as children; "Papa Don't Preach" is still one of our favorite songs of all time; and the entire Like A Prayer album is genius (thanks for helping out, Prince). When Ray of Light came out, we were like "Wow! This woman is going to be relevant and cutting edge forever!"

Recently, though, we've started to wonder if we were wrong about that. Sure, your Super Bowl performance was hugely entertaining (aside from those awful LMFAO people being involved -- who deemed that necessary?), but lately you seem to have developed an air of desperation. We're starting to worry about you.

On June 7, you may recall, you were performing in Istanbul, when you decided to... how do we put this delicately?... get your right tit out. (Sorry, there isn't a delicate way to put it -- see NSFW video below). Now, you've always loved a bit of nudity, Madge -- nothing new there. We all saw the Sex book, which -- thanks for this, by the way -- very effectively captured the fluffy nature of early-1990s pubic hair forever, as well as your lovely bosom in its prime. We shall never forget.

We're not prudes, Madonna. We're really not. But we've seen you naked a lot over the years, and we're just a bit bored of it now. Why on earth deviate from your regular concert routine and flash the audience like that? It seems particularly hypocritical after you said that M.I.A. flipping the bird at the Superbowl was a "teenager... irrelevant thing to do". How is flashing your boob mid-set any different? As far as your chest and M.I.A.'s finger go, you're both as juvenile, petulant, and attention-seeking as the other.

Remember when there was a point to your on-stage sauce? That pseudo-masturbation sequence you did on the Blonde Ambition tour challenged outdated notions of female sexuality in a way that was both shocking and refreshing. It was bold and beautiful. Now you think the best way to show NO FEAR (as your muscle-bound back yells at us) is to get a nipple out? Seriously, lady. What happened to you? It's the opposite of creative.

For the record, we were gonna let the boob-baring go. We were trying to give you the benefit of the doubt. "Well, adrenaline makes us all a little sloppy sometimes," we thought. Then, on June 12, you dropped trou in Rome and did this weird, half-assed (literally) mooning thing at the same point during the set. Frankly, your Madgesty, we haven't been this frustrated with you since you got that weird British accent. 

We think maybe the problem now is that you're completely out of touch with reality. We knew something was up earlier this year when you went on the record, in defense of your insanely high concert ticket prices, saying: "People spend $300 on crazy things all the time, things like handbags." Do they, Madonna? Really? We don't know those people, so we're assuming the only people that do that are crazy rich people (maybe the kind you hang out with).

You then went on: "So, work all year, scrape the money together and come to my show. I'm worth it." Sorry, Ciccone, but if you're going to be this much of an arrogant dick about your ticket prices, then we want to see some real innovation at the show, not just random body parts that stopped being interesting in 1993.

Also, Madonna, do you ever wonder how your children feel when you do such things? Rocco is 11 years old. That's an awkward age for any boy -- we're sure it must be worse when your mom can't keep her clothes on. No wonder Lourdes has taken up smoking at the age of 15 -- she's clearly learned from you that the best way to get attention is to indulge in something out-dated and annoying for others in her vicinity.

So Madonna, just know this. We still wanna see you sing and dance. We still love listening to your back catalog. And we still think you're a fascinating creature who has irrevocably changed the face of pop music. So please, please, please stop trying to be so down with the kids this late in your career (calling your new album MDNA was totally embarrassing, incidentally). It's all starting to look a bit like a mid-life crisis -- and that's not fun to watch for anyone.

Follow us on Twitter @SFAllShookDown, follow Rae Alexandra @Raemondjjjj, and like us at

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