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Wednesday, May 30, 2012

The Top 10 Worst Music Biopics

Posted By on Wed, May 30, 2012 at 8:23 AM

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5. The Rat Pack

Remarkably, this HBO production didn't get terrible reviews across the board -- probably because the guys playing Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr. did pretty convincing jobs. But Ray Liotta was a surprisingly bland Frank Sinatra (he's more like Henry Hill from Goodfellas most of the time) and some of the dialogue in this was head-shakingly awful. Like in the above clip, where the phrase "Greatest ass in the history of the world, just laid out for him on a plate... like a deli spread..." is uttered with such whispered gravitas, it's hard not to laugh for 10 minutes. Truly awful.
4. The Beach Boys: An American Family

We have a confession to make. We didn't actually watch this entire TV movie... But we have a really good reason, so don't judge us yet. The thing that made us switch off was the portrayal of Brian Wilson. His mental problems are already well-documented everywhere, sure, but this thing portrays him as a bumbling psycho who unjustly takes all of the credit for the Beach Boys classics, when he wasn't actually doing the work. We got pissed off and gave up. If you can get to the end of this thing, you kind of deserve a medal.

3. Madonna: Innocence Lost

Let's not sugarcoat it: Madonna: Innocence Lost is an unmitigated disaster from start to finish. This thing is awash with wooden acting, but the thing that really kills it is the fact that -- rather than finding someone with actual charisma and presence and fire to play Madonna -- they just stuck some lady who kind of looked like her in the role and left her to it. The above clip, where Madonna's iconic and ridiculously hot performance of "Like A Virgin" at the VMAs is reduced to stiff dance moves and some pointing, isn't even the worst of this movie. Atrocious.

2. Lady Sings The Blues

Ya know who doesn't look or sound anything like Billie Holiday? And who doesn't have the acting chops to do an accurate imitation? Diana Ross. But hey, when they were casting this thing, some genius concluded -- probably based merely on the fact that she's black, female, and a singer (they're all the same, you know) -- that she'd be just fine in this role. What you're left with is Diana Ross with a bunch of flowers in her hair, singing like Diana Ross, but pretending to be a drug addict. Billie Holiday deserves so much more than this.

1. Daydream Believers: The Monkees Story

Now, chances are, if you're sitting down to a watch a Monkees biopic, you'll be wanting the opposite of their public persona. You'll be wanting to know the dirt, the strains, the difficulties involved with being in a manufactured band who wanted credibility without giving up their success. You'll want to see the inner struggles between the obedient Davy Jones and the rest of the band who wanted to break free from their slapsticky boyband persona and write their own music. So, what does Daydream Believers give us? Benny Hill and a sound effects backing track. According to this, The Monkees lived every day like it was their TV show. So lots of high speed chases around small rooms then. Thanks for that.   

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