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Friday, May 25, 2012

Duets Premieres on ABC: a Timeline of the Mediocrity

Posted By on Fri, May 25, 2012 at 8:45 AM


And here it is. The vocal talent show that America neither needed nor wanted. The only talent involved that we actually wanted to watch (Lionel Ritchie) is no longer part of the show, but we're ready to suffer through this nonsense regardless. 

0.00.3: A ridiculous plethora of dancers throw shapes in a sea of dry ice and part, as each of the judges emerges singing Robbie Williams' (mostly British) hit, "Let Me Entertain You". We're irritated already, but relieved the producers had the good sense to get Kelly Clarkson onto the stage first (she's the most interesting judge now).

0:01: That Jennifer Nettles woman has one of the most annoying voices on earth. Why does she sing like she's trying to not throw up? It's only making us want to vomit more.

0:02: The drum section of a motherfucking marching band is on stage. Bucket, please!

0:03: The host emerges grinning inanely and announces that he's named

-- we're not lying -- Quddus (that's pronounced "Cud-Deuce"). Uh-huh.

Bet he got the crap beaten out of him in high school...

This is Quddus. He sucks.
  • This is Quddus. He sucks.

0:04: Cud-Deuce sends the hosts to a place called "The Superstar

Lounge". First off, it isn't a lounge (it's four white chairs with their

backs turned to the audience) and second, there are no superstars in

the vicinity. Sorry, hosts, but when we think superstars, we think Michael Jackson, Madonna, Paul McCartney, Aretha Franklin... None of these people are present.

0:04: Cud-Deuce explains that the "amateurs" we're about to see are

going to battle it out for a record deal with Hollywood Records. Then he explains that we're about to see how the

"superstars" chose the contestants they're going to be singing duets with on

this already godforsaken show. The "superstars"/ "amateurs"

juxtaposition is beyond patronizing and stupid and we immediately feel

like sending Marxist theory books to everyone involved.

0:05: A montage of all the "superstars" (seriously people, delusional much?) finding their "amateurs". Nothing of note yet, except the voiceover points out that there is no judging and no panels, just "artists seeking other artists." Oh god, we're feeling sleepy...

0:08: Jennifer Nettles pulls surprised, annoying, Taylor Swift faces at all her potential amateurs.

  • Robin Thicke and his second contestant. Whatever.
0:11: Jennifer Nettles sings with her first dude... You know what this show needs? Judges we actually give a shit about. (Like they have on, oh, I don't know, The Voice...) And, um, JUDGING. We're bored already! We can't root for these contestants yet, because there's zero tension or suspense involved in any of this. Blah.

0:17: Cud-Deuce puts some sort of chart up, rating which "amateur" is the favorite so far. It's that guy who was just singing with that Nettles woman. Because he's the only one who's performed so far. Someone seriously didn't think think this part of the show through... Congratulations, dude! You're number one out of one contestant! High five!  

0:23: We're pretty sure John Legend is clapping for a clown right now...

0:26: John Legend has found a non-crazy-person to sing with. They do "Ordinary People" together. We come away from the performance with the following thought... "Hmmm. John Legend has a really kind face."

  • Robin Thicke and his second contestant. Whatever.

0:28: We wanna poke Cud-Deuce in the eye so friggin' hard right now...

0:29: We wanna poke that Nettles woman in the eye so friggin' hard right now...

0:30: We find out that no one's getting eliminated tonight. It's like Duets is trying to be the most boring talent show on earth.

0:35: Robin Thicke's face has an enormous ego.

0:38: Robin Thicke picks his contestant and tells her "You're welcome to cry", with an entirely straight face. We wanna poke him in the eye so friggin' hard right now...

0:40: We like Robin Thicke's choice of singing partner. She's all sultry and sassy and shit. Which might be why he's being so old-man-creepy during their performance of "Lost Without You." Stop doing that shit with your hips, Robin. Just stop it.

0:48: Kelly Clarkson is holding auditions while she's on tour. She makes her final two potential "amateurs" perform in front of her audience -- an entire arena of them. That's either a really nice treat or cruel and unusual punishment. The dude contestant has a way better voice, but bursts into tears on stage. She picks him anyway. Good choice, Clarkson. The waterworks quota is officially taken care of for the season.

0:54: Kelly's contestant is crying again.

0:59: Kelly and crying dude perform. Her ass looks amazing. Wait. What were we supposed to be doing right now...?

  • Robin Thicke and his second contestant. Whatever.

1:01: Robin Thicke calls Kelly's contestant "adorable". We are now convinced that he really is the most patronizing man on television... possibly earth.
1:07: John Legend's next potential contestant is a cute nerd from Harvard who does something sciencey and "really wants to study pandas". We like it!

1:09: John Legend's other next potential contestant is already referring to herself in the third person. Let's not go down this road, eh Legend?

1:10: Legend picks his third option. Who, sadly, doesn't want to study pandas. D'oh!

1:23: That Nettles woman picks her next contestant: a man who apparently sings at her nanny's church. Well, that's one way of findin' 'em. He's got a beautiful voice in a National Anthem sort of way.

1:27: Oh fuck off, Cud-Deuce.

1:28: Kelly Clarkson is crying. Now her and her contestant really are on the same page!

1:34: Is Robin Thicke's head out of proportion with his entire body? Or just his neck? It's weird. Seriously.

  • Robin Thicke and his second contestant. Whatever.

1:40: After his second contestant has been "judged" (everyone's super positive about everyone, so it's all pretty pointless), Thicke stands up, does some creepy beckoning shit with his hands and says "Come to papa, come to papa". Sweet Lord. Does this man have any idea how incredibly rapey he seems right now? We're gonna have nightmares...

1:49: Kelly chooses a tattooed, pink haired girl to duet with next. We back it. We wish we could see her sing with the panda girl.

1:51: Nice harmonies, ladies. We're worried though. If the weirdos can't stay in on The Voice (where they're supposed to be welcome), they'll never stay in on this thing... Plus, Pinkie gets a little shaky at the end of "What Doesn't Kill You". Not that the judges say anything about it...

1:58: Kelly's contestants are the bottom two on the (awful) singer board. She thinks it's a conspiracy.

2:00: The misery is finally over. We've got zero desire to subject ourselves to this ever again. So we won't. If this makes it out of a first season, we'll eat our own shoes. Or volunteer to hang out with Robin Thicke (*shudder*). 

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