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Wednesday, May 2, 2012

The Voice Recap: Relax Everybody -- Finalists Have Been Chosen

Posted By on Wed, May 2, 2012 at 8:48 AM


Last night, the finalists for NBC's The Voice were finally decided upon, and it was an odd show from the beginning. This thing started on a... really, really low note actually, with finalist from last year, Dia Frampton (should've won -- *cough* -- should've won) performing a song titled "Don't Kick The Chair."

Staging for the song involves hideously literal piles of chairs

everywhere, and a rap in the middle from Kid Cudi (who we usually love, thanks mostly to the frankly genius, "Soundtrack 2 My Life"). We think Dia's "Don't Kick The Chair" means "Don't kill yourself,"

since it's followed up directly by the line "It's going to get better".

So... this is Dia's way of telling the contestants who are about

to be booted that it's nothing to be suicidal about? Sure feels like it. It's so

heavy-handed and weird, it actually makes (perfectly happy) us want to

kill ourselves. How ironic! Whatever's next, it can't possibly be this


Last year's winner, Javier Colon (it's pronounced like "cologne", not the ass part), arrives to tell us how busy he's been since winning last year's competition. How come we haven't seen him do anything? Hmmm... Let's turn off our cynical switches and see how this goes.

Christina Aguilera's team is the first on the chopping block (or chair, if you're Dia Frampton). Chris Mann is an opera singer trying to go pop, and Lindsey Pavao has awesome hair and a whole adorable kook thing going (which is cool, since most of the weird kids got kicked off the show weeks ago by America -- way to go, normal people). The opera guy wins, Pavao cries like someone just murdered her puppy, and Christina Aguilera's ass comes on stage to outshine everybody.

This is the opera dude.
  • This is the opera dude.
Next! Cee Lo Green performs with one of last year's finalists. We'd totally forgotten about her! Actually, we still can't remember her name, so that whole not-winning decision was probably for the best. (It's Vicci Martinez. She's cool, but whatever...)

Double next! Adam Levine's team is up -- ol' bland face, ex-Mouseketeer Tony Lucca (seriously, who is voting for this guy?) and Katrina Parker, who is hugely talented, but so much like Adele, it's difficult to tell the ladies apart. The votes are announced and the most boring man alive goes through to the finals. (Again, who keeps voting for this guy?)

So, just to recap, the finalists so far are two bland dudes. Awesome. Wasn't this show about giving opportunities to outsiders? Fail!

The most memorable contestant from last year, Beverley McClellan (she's the lesbian with the shaved head and the enormous voice) hits the stage to perform "Money Changes Everything" with Cyndi Lauper... who sounds a wee bit drunk. Cyndi's still freakin' awesome though, so we'll let it slide.

Beverly McClellan. We like her a lot.
  • Beverly McClellan. We like her a lot.
Season One winner Javier Colon is back. Yawn, obvious, etc, etc.

Here comes Blake Shelton's team: ex-Alicia Keys backing singer Jermaine Paul and Erin Willett, who is apparently the strongest woman alive (her father died during the course of this season and she still stayed in the competition -- woah). Jermaine wins the vote. Oh good. Another regular dude in the final. Groan. Erin Willett announces she's going to get drunk. This makes us love her even more. Man, this season is sucking in terms of being the alternative to American Idol. At this stage, it's not different... It's just older. Boo.

Last up is Cee Lo's team. Which, unfortunately happens to contain the two greatest -- and most interesting -- singers in the competition. For someone who dresses so fucked up, it's quite remarkable that Cee Lo has the best taste of all the judges. It will suck to see either of these kids go -- triumphant, HIV positive, beautiful and super-dynamic soul singer Jamar Rogers, and our favorite: the ridiculously strong (and rockin') Juliet Simms, who sings like a lady version of every rock god you have ever cared about. Losing either of these contestants is actually criminal. But it's about to happen... (and Jamar is already crying -- this sucks.)

Juliet Simms wins. We're not mad. We want her to win the whole thing. But we really hope Jamar Rogers gets a record deal immediately. Because he's amazing.

Our favorite: Juliet Simms
  • Our favorite: Juliet Simms
And then there were four... And three of them are really boring, so if Juliet Simms doesn't win this, we'd like to suggest The Voice stop at the end of season two for ultimately bringing nothing new to the table. We shall keep you posted...

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