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Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The Melvins' Old Van Is for Sale, But Here Are Five Tour Vehicles We'd Much Prefer

Posted By on Wed, Mar 7, 2012 at 8:35 AM


Remember when you were 12 years old and you'd draw the logos of your favorite bands all over your school books? Well, one time, Kurt Cobain did that to The Melvins' van, leaving behind a little portrait of Kiss (plus logo) which remains to this day on the side of that piece-of-shit '72 Dodge Sportsman known as "The Melvan." Which is probably mostly why the old scrap heap is currently on eBay with a reserve price of $150,000, offered for sale by an old Melvins fan who was given the van by original bassist Matt Lukin's mother in 1992. (Way to take a kind gesture and exploit it, dude.)

We bet there were some awesome times had in that van. We bet it still

smells like man feet and beer and dried sweat on clothing. Still, how

much would you want to be stuck in there for eight hours a day? Here are

five other musicians' vehicles we'd much prefer to tour in.

5. The Phenomenauts' Phenomabomber


East Bay punkers The Phenomenauts travel around and tour the country in this thing. They seem to sincerely believe it's a spaceship. Possibly the Phenomabomber van's most glorious moment was appearing in the appallingly acted, Warped Tour-based slasher spoof movie, Punk Rock Holocaust, in 2004. We're pretty sure its appearance used up the entire special effects budget. If you see this driving around Oakland late at night, be sure to give it a salute. The space nerds inside really like it.

4. B.B. King's Giant Luxo-Tour Bus


If we were an 86-year-old blues God who still hit the road with relative frequency, we'd want a bit of comfort on our travels as well. Enter $1.4 million worth of luxury on wheels. Apparently, there's a recording studio on board as well. Because apparently some senior citizens don't need to sleep at all.

3. Offspring Vocalist Dexter Holland's Plane

One time, in 2005, we were in a hotel bar in the middle of the country and we ended up getting into this huge drunken screaming match with this awful Republican douche who wouldn't shut up about how great George W. Bush was. The next day, we went to interview Dexter Holland from Offspring, only to find that the idiot from the night before was there. And he wasn't just buddies with Dexter, either -- he was also serving as the vocalist's co-pilot as Offspring toured around the country on Warped Tour that summer. The rest of the band, confusingly, was traveling by bus. No word on whether that decision was based on flying skills or political leanings.

2. The Ditty Bops' Bicycles

Isn't it funny how the tiniest, most delicate looking ladies so often turn out to be the strongest and toughest of them all? In 2006, L.A.'s Ditty Bops toured on bicycles. We're going to repeat that because we know it sounds both impossible and bat-shit crazy: the Ditty Bops toured on bicycles. And not short distances, either -- the duo often clocked up more than 100 miles a day. Helpfully, they kept a log of their progress, being sure to tell us anytime they were suffering from "itchy crotch from constant use of bike shorts" and "diaper rash sore ass." Ladies, we salute you and your mangled bottoms of steel.

1. Iron Maiden's Ed Force One


You may not know this, but Bruce Dickinson from Iron Maiden is a pilot. Not a casual, light-aircraft-on-the-weekends kind of pilot, either (we're looking at you, Dexter Holland). No. This leather-panted little belter is a motherfucking commercial airline pilot who is perfectly at home flying a massive Boeing 757. So it makes perfect sense that he and his band would choose to travel in one lovingly decorated with their logo and band mascot, Eddy (hence the terribly witty name of the aircraft). And yes, Bruce flew it on the band's 2008, 2009, and 2011 tours. Ridiculously badass.


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