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Monday, February 13, 2012

The Grammys: A Timeline of Madness and Misery

Posted By on Mon, Feb 13, 2012 at 9:42 AM

The 54th Annual Grammy Awards happened yesterday. Which we're sure you know already. If you missed it, however, you may have missed some of the weirdest details. So here, for your convenience, is a timeline of events. Get comfortable, 'cause this thing was a three-and-a-half-hour carnival of absurdity. Let's relive it.

click to enlarge grammy.jpg

0:01: Bruce Springsteen opens the show with "We Take Care of Our Own." Because he's still The Boss. Some people later complain that he shouts "America, are you alive out there?," given what happened to Whitney Houston yesterday. Those people are stupid (he shouts that all the time).

0:04 Fergie is visible cheering and yelling "The Boss!" This is like the time she wore a Black Flag T-shirt. Stop ruining everything, Fergie. Man, you suck.

0:05 "We've had a death in our family," notes LL Cool J before saying a prayer for Whitney. Oh no. This Grammys is going to be a total bum-out. Lady Gaga looks like she's crying beneath that remarkably appropriate black veil of hers.

0:07 Clip of Whitney belting out "I Will Always Love You." Oh no. This Grammy's is definitely going to be a total bum-out.

0:09 LL Cool J makes Adele totally uncomfortable.

0:10 Katie Perry's got a handsome man sitting next to her. We miss Russell Brand.

0:11 Bruno Mars performs. We have a sneaking suspicion that he and Janelle Monae are the same person.

0:13 "Get off your rich asses!" Mars shouts at the audience before doing James Brown splits. We like him very much.


Alicia Keys and Bonnie Raitt hit the stage. They give shout outs to

both Whitney and Etta James before going into "Sunday Kind of Love." This really does feel like a (really, really glamorous) wake.


Adele wins Best Pop Solo Performance for "Someone Like You." Well, duh!

She's sitting in the front row. That means she'll probably be up and

down off that stage tonight like a beautiful Cockney yo-yo.


The entire room gleefully cheers for an arrogant woman-beater who

doesn't even have the decency to sing live. We'd hate him even if this

song wasn't predictable pop hogwash (which it is, unsurprisingly). Fuck

Chris Brown.

0:36: Fergie and Marc Anthony present the Best Rap

Performance award. It's like the producers wanted to get the most

annoying faces in the room out of the way early on (Jay-Z and Kanye win

for "Otis," in case you care. They don't -- neither of them are here).


Reba introduces a Kelly Clarkson and Jason Aldean duet. We'd say we'd

forgotten how great Kelly Clarkson's voice was. But we didn't. Because

we love her. (Don't tell anyone.)

0:47 Jack Black introduces

Foo Fighters performing "Walk" in a tent outside the Staples Center. It

looks and sounds exactly as you imagine it does. Gosh, they're


0:56 Hey, Rihanna! 1980's Tina Turner called! She

wants her wig back! "We Found Love" is awesome though -- especially

with all these dancers stomping about the place.

1:00 Chris Martin from Coldplay arrives with an acoustic guitar and starts singing...

1:06 ...Wait. What just happened? We fell asleep for a minute (or six).

1:14 Chick from NCIS (or one of those shows) arrives with a salsa-doing football player. Shit just got really uncomfortable.


Best Rock Performance goes to the Foo Fighters. This outcome is as

predictable as that performance 28 minutes ago. Grohl gets cut off

before he's finished his speech. Whoops!

1:18: Maroon 5 start a

Beach Boys tribute thing. Adam Levine sings "Surfer Girl" like it's about his dead grandmother. Way, way too earnest, buddy. Especially

given the fact that you're surrounded by clumsily placed surfboards.  


Oh crap. Now Foster the People has joined in. The singer looks like

he's literally shitting his pants right now. And even that doesn't make

this watchable.

1:21 Ryan Seacrest turns into an even bigger

sycophant than usual while introducing The Beach Boys. When Adam Levine

joins in with the awesome old men on "Good Vibrations" he looks

like he's crapping his pants. Crap pants party!

1:31 Stevie

Wonder tells Whitney we all love her, then plays "Love Me Do" on his

harmonica for a second, before introducing Paul McCartney, who's wearing

a white dinner jacket and no tie.

1:32 What the fuck is that noise that keeps interrupting McCartney's singing? It sounds like some kind of fart kazoo.

1:36 Gil Scott-Heron gets a posthumous Lifetime Recipient Award.

1:37 The woman-beater wins the Best R&B Album award. Well, that's gonna really help with the inflamed ego, isn't it?

1:38 Wait, who are these people? The Civil Wars? This writer's never heard of 'em before (and is deeply ashamed of that, because they are awesome).


Taylor Swift looks like she just came from tending chickens in a barn.

We back it. Until the weird, vaguely creepy choreography starts. She is in tune this year though. Which is nice.

1:51 Neil Patrick Harris presents Song of the Year to Adele for "Rolling In The Deep." We told you she'd be back.


Katy Perry fakes a power failure during "E.T.", then emerges from a glass

elevator with one of the worst camel toes we've ever seen. Fire whoever

made you those shiny pants, Katy. Whatever you might think, we

really don't want to see your vagina.

1:55 The camel toe has subsided. Phew!


Best Country Album goes to Lady Antebellum. Didn't they win everything

last year too? The rest of country music must fucking hate them.

2:05 Gwyneth Paltrow doesn't age. Fact.

2:06 Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Adele's on! Singing "Rolling In The Deep"! Show 'em how it's done, girl.

2:09 Paul McCartney actually does a fist pump. The post-song cheering goes on so long, Adele goes all teary-eyed. Bless.  


A Glenn Campbell tribute gets kicked off by The Band Perry, a.k.a. The

Band With The Worst Name Ever. Followed by Blake Shelton.


Holy Moses! Lifetime Achievement Award winner Glenn Campbell is doing

"Rhinestone Cowboy!" This is rad! So Paul McCartney gets his fist pumping  on again. Naturally.

2:31 Tony Bennett duets with Carrie Underwood. It's nice.


Bon Iver wins Best New Artist. Justin Vernon, accepting the award,

looks like a dude who just wandered in from the street by accident, when

he was actually just looking for the library. We back that.


Obituaries commence. Oh God, this bit makes us sad every year, but

having to acknowledge that we lost Amy Winehouse and Whitney Houston in

the same year is just downright shitty.

2:43 The lights fall for

Jennifer Hudson to perform "I Will Always Love You." There has never

been an arena quieter than this one is right now. Genuinely stunning.

2:50 The wake continues with LL Cool J and Questlove paying tribute to Don Cornelius.

2:51 Holy crap, the woman-beater just will not get off the goddamn stage this year. Most aggravating.


Lil Wayne arrives on stage! It's like the producers wanna get all the

criminals out of the way in one swoop. Can't blame them really...

2:54 Foo Fighters are back! And this time, it's exciting! 


Deadmau5 joins in, turns the Foos into a dance act, then DJs for a

minute unaccompanied. At almost three hours in, the guy in the

electronic mouse head just totally perked us up. Thanks dude.


Does Nicki Minaj sound like she can't sing because she's pretending to

be possessed? Or is Nicki Minaj pretending to be possessed because she

can't sing?

3:06 Can't help but wonder if Adele is irritated right now by Nicki Minaj's terrible Dick Van Dyke-esque Cockney accent...

3:07 Nicki Minaj starts rapping. All is forgiven.

3:08 Shit just got epic. Like possessed-people-straddling-choir-boys-in-a-burning-cathedral kind of epic.


Yep, no. Nicki Minaj can't sing. Glad we got that cleared up. At least

she had a go though (we're looking at you, Chris Brown). 
3:09(.5) She's only fucking levitating! Yes!

3:11 Adele wins Record of the Year. We're just gonna say it again: Duh.

3:19 Diana Ross doesn't age (and neither does her hair). Diana and Gwyneth Paltrow should get together and have a spa day.


Album of the Year goes to Adele. We feel like Lady Gaga got kinda

frozen out this year. But that soon passes when we see Adele start

crying like an overwhelmed eight-year-old who just won a pageant. She

thanks her mum, then acknowledges that she just snotted on herself. And

we love her all the more for it. Congrats Adele. You deserve it.


Paul McCartney gets behind his piano (which is where we wish

Paul McCartney was at all times) and closes the night with class. It's

all a bit triumphant and poignant. Which is the perfect way to finish.


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