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Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Six Reasons We're Really Glad Jon Bon Jovi Is Not Dead

Posted By on Wed, Dec 21, 2011 at 4:00 AM

click to enlarge jbj_2.jpg

Earlier this week, you may have seen the online rumor -- clearly started by some evil, ungrateful little trolls -- that Jon Bon Jovi was dead. Before we knew it, the news had spread all over Twitter, and Bon Jovi fans the world over had commenced crying into their puffed up, acid-washed denim jackets. That was, of course, until the lovable frontman posted a festive photo of himself to prove he had not, in fact, been shot down in a blaze of glory. We have to say, we breathed a rather hefty sigh of relief. We're really glad Jon Bon Jovi is alive (and taking each day and night at a time... ahem.) Here are six reasons why:

1. Bon Jovi's music, goddamnit 

Oh, it's never been cool to like Bon Jovi (except for about three days in 1987), but the truth of the matter is, The Jovi spreads joy wherever it goes. Think of the countless karaoke nights that would have been ruined by the lack of "Living on a Prayer"; consider how many cheesy marriage proposals would have gone awry without the aid of "I'll Be There For You"; and think of the parodies and hilarious mockery we'd have missed out on without the overly-dramatic video for "Wanted Dead or Alive." That's just not a world that we want to live in.

2. Bon Jovi makes old people feel like they're still rockin'


When you get to a certain age, it's an inevitability that you lose touch with "the kids." They listen to music you don't get, they wear clothes that make you roll your eyes, they say words you don't comprehend. But for old Bon Jovi fans, it's different. They still get to feel cool. They still get to go to those arenas and listen to all their old favorites because Bon Jovi still loves playing live. Jovi fans still get to feel like they're 15 years old and Slippery When Wet just came out, year upon year, because musically, what Bon Jovi does now is pretty much the same as what Bon Jovi has always done. It's like a time-machine for people who are aging -- which is practically a gift to medical science.

3. Bon Jovi makes people from New Jersey think it's cool to be from New Jersey


No one has done more to boost the egos of Garden State residents than Bon Jovi (except for maybe Bruce Springsteen). What would New Jersey have these days, without Bon Jovi (and The Boss)? A lack of dignity in the eyes of the rest of the world, that's what. Snooki? The Situation? Jerseylicious? Even the Sopranos! All of them are all about how uncool Jersey is. Without The Jovi and ol' Bruce, New Jersey would have an even worse image problem than it already does.

4. Jon Bon Jovi proves that not all rockers are man-whores


Sure, some foolish things took place in the '80s (see above), but you practically had to have a topless girl chained to you back then in order to sell records. Jon Bon Jovi, however, still came out of it all and married his high school sweetheart, Dorothea Hurley, with whom he's had four children. He told the UK's Daily Mail in 2007: "I've not been a saint. I've had my lapses, [but] I

wouldn't trade her in for anything. The fact that she's independent and isn't needy or possessive

helps and she is just a very strong woman." Aaaaw.
5. 1980s Bon Jovi used to be a musical gateway drug


Transitioning from listening to the pop charts as a tween into having your life taken over by seriously heavy or experimental music as a teen doesn't always make sense. When it happens seemingly overnight, it can be awkward and can prompt mockery from peers. Green Day is the gateway band today to make that transition smoother, but in the late '80s, it was Bon Jovi's job. Bon Jovi took people away from Madonna and flung them in the direction of far heavier metal and beyond. Thanks, poodle people.

6. Uuuuum, the following video

Doesn't matter how many times you see it, this never stops being hilarious. So thank you, Jon and co -- this is the gift that just never stops giving:


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