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Wednesday, October 19, 2011

How To Be in Your Boyfriend or Girlfriend's Music Video (Without Looking Like an Idiot)

Posted By on Wed, Oct 19, 2011 at 7:17 AM

Britney Spears and boyfriend Jason Trawick in the new "Criminal" video - JIVE
  • Jive
  • Britney Spears and boyfriend Jason Trawick in the new "Criminal" video

We've all been there. You're at home, doing the dishes or washing the dog, and in swans your famous partner and demands that you be in their latest music video. Nightmare, eh? We understand that this is a really common problem -- Britney Spears' fella is apparently half-naked in her up-coming video for "Criminal" -- so we wanted to guide you through this oh-so-public minefield as carefully as possible. Thankfully, we've got lots of examples for you to learn from. Here's some advice on how to be in your spouse's music video, without making a fool of yourself.

Don't Be Slutty in a Place of Worship
When Axl Rose rolled home to his then-girlfriend Stephanie Seymour and

asked her to be in the video for "November Rain," we bet the

conversation went something like this:
Axl: "Honey, I've been thinking..."
Stephanie: "Is everything alright, dear?"

"Yeah... I guess. It's just that I'm punching so far above my weight

right now, dating you and all, I kind of want to put you in a Gn'R video

to prove that this even happened."
Stephanie: "Oh sweetie, I'd love

to, but only if I can dress like a puffy whore in church and have you

ram your tongue down my throat while a priest watches. Is that cool?"
Axl: "Honey, you read my mind! Man, this relationship is going to last forever!"

Do Something Useful
Sure, Jay-Z is in the video for Beyonce's "Crazy Right Now" -- one of

the greatest pop songs ever written, incidentally -- but he raps on it!

So he's totally allowed to be there! Plus, frankly, the real star of

this video is neither B nor Z -- it's Beyonce's butt. Truly, the world is beholden to your rear, Ms. Knowles.

Don't Mime Like a Crazy Person
Supermodel Jerry Hall was all over Brian Ferry's mid-70's work when

they were a couple -- album covers, videos, and all. We can't help but

wonder if this one had anything to do with Jerry running off with

Brian's mate, Mick Jagger, the following year -- she must've been

embarrassed about all the terrible miming she does. "You made me wear a tail!"

Jerry probably yelled on her way out. "And look, I've been biting my tongue about this

for months, Brian, but you have to choose between the white linen suits and the creepy 'stache. You can't have both at the same time because it makes you look like a murderer..."

Do Look Like You're Having a Good Time
Whitesnake were so great at being an '80s band that it had not one, not two, but three -- count 'em three! -- synthesizers. No wonder its members got all the hottest chicks. Here's David Coverdale's then-wife, Tawny Kitaen, looking so happy, we have to wonder if she inhaled too much hairspray before the shoot. Does she do weird gymnastics on the hood of some fancy cars? Yep. Does she hang out of the side of a moving vehicle like a drunk cheerleader on prom night? That'd be a yep, too. But holy gas fumes, she's clearly having the time of her freakin' life. Without her, this video would've been... even worse.

Don't Look Like a Slave Boy
And here's Ben Affleck showing the world what a sensitive and doting

husband-to-(never)-be he is, getting crap out of J-Lo's

eyes, kissing her long time, pumping her gas (while she drives), getting

down on his knees to find her earrings, and lifting her up in swimming

pools all over the place. It's not hard to tell who's wearing the pants

in this relationship, dude. We can't help but wonder if he knew how

emasculating this was going to be. And we really, really can't

help but wonder how awkward it gets in the Affleck-Garner household when

this pops up on MTV. This has gotta be a bigger regret than Daredevil.


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