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Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Bump & Grind: The Top Five Pregnant Performances

Posted By on Wed, Oct 12, 2011 at 8:43 AM


What the hell is up with the tabloids and pregnancies? Usually when a lady celebrity has so much as a big lunch, or gets photographed from a bad angle, they announce that an offspring is probably imminent. And here's Beyonce Knowles, being totally upfront about her and Jay-Z's baby-to-be, rubbing her newly-round belly and proudly embracing her new body -- and what happens? A gaggle of dipshits accuse her of wearing a fake bump. Ludicrous. So, in B's honor, and as a nod of respect to pregnant ladies everywhere, we'd like to take a look back on the top five best preggers musical performances.

5. Lauryn Hill, "Doo-Wop (That Thing)"

We're not sure, but we think Lauryn Hill's got about twelve children now -- okay, fine. She's got six. But seriously? After the third one, it's all the same: too many. We're not sure which bun was in her oven when this came out, but we freakin' love this song, and she looks completely radiant in the video. She's only low on this list for trying to hide her bump with clever angles and smart clothing choices (though we're not sure she fooled anyone with that zebra-print tent dress).

4. Mariah Carey, "Oh Santa"

What would Christmas be without Mariah Carey flouncing around in a tiny red dress singing about Santa in an inappropriate manner? (Try and resist the overwhelming urge to answer that question with the word "better"). Here, Mariah does a Lauryn Hill and tries to disguise her baby belly with good angles, audience members, and an ill-fitting dress, but god bless 'er, look at those heels. That shit is dedicated. Her ankles were probably the size of watermelons at the end of this shoot, so well done for sticking it out, Mariah. (Can we get some props for resisting the urge to make a joke about everyone around her yelling "Ho" now?)

3. Neneh Cherry, 1988 Top Of The Pops

Neneh Cherry was so fresh, so fly and so, so pregnant when she appeared on hugely popular UK chart show, Top Of The Pops, in 1988, with her first big hit "Buffalo Stance". Half the country thought she was the coolest pregnant lady they'd ever seen, the other half thought it was a disgrace because, oh, you know, god forbid a woman continue having a life once she's up the duff (as the Brits so eloquently put it). Also, very sweetly, the resulting baby made his debut in the video for follow-up single "Manchild". We love you, Neneh! And for the record, that outfit is still rad.

2. Beyonce, 2011 VMAs


Ever the show-stopper, Beyonce opted to announce her pregnancy on the red carpet of this year's VMAs. We knew she was telling the truth when she hit the stage later that evening wearing pants -- something we're not sure has ever happened before. But when she reached the end of an impassioned performance of "Love On Top" (not our favorite BK song, but whatever), unbuttoned her jacket, and gleefully rubbed her tum, it was... well, adorable. Thanks for being so cute, Beyonce and Jay-Z -- you give us hope for humanity.

1. M.I.A., 2009 Grammys


It's hard to see in the only online video we could find of this performance because it's all a bit on the grainy side, but the above photo should give you some idea of the majesty that was M.I.A. on Grammy night 2009. She hit the stage with Kanye, Jay-Z, Lil Wayne, and T.I. and frankly, made all of them look like giant pussies. Performing while nine months pregnant in front of a world-wide audience? Now, that's what you call balls. Unsurprisingly, she went into labor the same night. What a woman. [Photo via AP]


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