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Thursday, September 15, 2011

Top 10 Reasons You Should Be Very Afraid of Kesha Fans (Photos)

Posted By on Thu, Sep 15, 2011 at 4:08 PM

Kesha came to the Fox Oakland last night. We couldn't hear the sonic damage from our home in the city, but we're sure it was cacophonous and despicable. The queen of trash-pop (or is it pop-trash?) is notorious for luring innocent, unsuspecting persons into those treacherous dens in which she performs, then forcefully converting them into devoted, sleazy Kesha fans. Once turned, supporters acquire set of traits that make them significant existential threats to decent, fully clothed, reasonably sober, monogamous human beings. Thus, Kesha fans are to be feared and stayed away from. Here are 10 of the best reasons why:

GIL RIEGO, JR.
  • Gil Riego, Jr.

10. Kesha-loving women turn otherwise virile, self-determined men into helpless slaves.

And the poisoned males like it!

GIL RIEGO, JR.
  • Gil Riego, Jr.

9. The Kesha fan's tongue becomes a powerful weapon, able to deploy at any time to transform an otherwise serious situation into a raucous, unproductive ballyhoo.

Besides Kesha's music itself, her fans' tongues are the principle transfer agents of the Kesha-appreciation virus.

GIL RIEGO, JR.
  • Gil Riego, Jr.

8. Once converted, the Kesha fan loses all sensibilities related to aesthetic dignity and taste.

These abilities appear to be lost forever, which can lead to humiliating and awkward situations outside of the Kesha appreciation event.

GIL RIEGO, JR.
  • Gil Riego, Jr.

7. Some highly proficient Kesha fans are able to read minds.

This can be very dangerous, especially when their abilities are used on non-Kesha fans -- whose unsullied minds reach beyond the typical Kesha fan's obsession with their next dose of contraband narcotic and/or intoxicating beverage.

GIL RIEGO, JR.
  • Gil Riego, Jr.

6. Many Kesha fans can disguise themselves as normal human beings to elude detection.

Thus, anyone within a two-mile radius of any Kesha event must be treated as a potential threat.

GIL RIEGO, JR.
  • Gil Riego, Jr.

5. Kesha fandom slowly erases the divisions betwen the male and female sexes.

In a Kesha-dominated future, we are all destined for androgyny.

GIL RIEGO, JR.
  • Gil Riego, Jr.

4. Made delirious and uninhibited by their intense appreciation for Kesha, innocent females become highly vulnerable to males of dubious taste and moral character.

What can this vulnerability lead to? We scarcely need to imagine.

GIL RIEGO, JR.
  • Gil Riego, Jr.

3. Otherwise well-bred and socialized persons will display apathy, even disgust, for the conventions of polite society once becoming Kesha fans.

Often, this apathy will be demonstrated by the wearing of visually offensive, nonsensical, and/or garish clothing and body accessories.

GIL RIEGO, JR.
  • Gil Riego, Jr.

2. If converted at a young enough age, the Kesha fan can outlive an untainted human by up to 150 years.

Kesha fans should thus be considered dangerous to future generations as well as present ones.

GIL RIEGO, JR.
  • Gil Riego, Jr.

1. Kesha fans display an obsessive, even maniacal inclination to converting others into their lascivious, outlandish, immoral cult.

They really are coming for you. So to preserve humanity as we know it, we beseech you and your loved ones to avoid Kesha fans at all cost.

View more photos of the outrageous Kesha-loving mobs and of Kesha herself.

----

Follow us on Twitter @SFAllShookDown, follow Ian S. Port @iPORT, and like us at Facebook.com/SFAllShookDown.

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Ian S. Port

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