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Monday, July 11, 2011

Top 10 Reasons Heavy Metal Is Fucking Dead

Posted By on Mon, Jul 11, 2011 at 12:48 PM

Face it, people: Heavy metal is dead. Over. Done with.

What's that, you don't believe us? Just look at these pictures from the Rockstar Mayhem festival this weekend at Shoreline Amphitheatre, and let us guide you through the top 10 reasons heavy metal is dead.

10. There's no more room for new tattoos.

CHRISTOPHER VICTORIO
  • Christopher Victorio

With loud, heavy, guitar-based music -- as with this guy's body ink -- there are just no more places to go.

9. Even little children aren't scared by it anymore.

CHRISTOPHER VICTORIO
  • Christopher Victorio

Disturbed? Godsmack? There are scarier characters on Nickelodeon.

8. Girls think it's cool.

CHRISTOPHER VICTORIO
  • Christopher Victorio

Fast approaching: the end.

7. Metalheads aren't supposed to be nice.

CHRISTOPHER VICTORIO
  • Christopher Victorio

We're holding out hope that the yellow liquid he's pouring out of that cup isn't actually beer ...

6. "Going dumb" idea only worked for hip-hop.

CHRISTOPHER VICTORIO
  • Christopher Victorio

It's too close to the truth for metal.

5. Your mom even likes metal now.

CHRISTOPHER VICTORIO
  • Christopher Victorio

But please ask her to change shirts.

4. Getting your left leg ripped off just doesn't feel as good anymore.

CHRISTOPHER VICTORIO
  • Christopher Victorio

And modeling legless for a Cannibal Corpse cover just doesn't hold the appeal it used to.

3. Pink. Fucking. T-shirts.

CHRISTOPHER VICTORIO
  • Christopher Victorio

It's generally not a credibility-upping color, FYI.

2. Indie rock's self-mocking ironic tendencies seeping into metal culture.

CHRISTOPHER VICTORIO
  • Christopher Victorio

This is supposed to be ironic and self-mocking, right?

1. Dave Mustaine not yet outed as an embarrassment and a fraud.

CHRISTOPHER VICTORIO
  • Christopher Victorio

Please give us a call when this changes.

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Ian S. Port

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