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Wednesday, June 22, 2011

How Your Favorite Musicians Will Die

Posted By on Wed, Jun 22, 2011 at 8:31 AM

Monte "M-Dog" Talbert-- the "Teach Me How to Dougie" guy-- was recently gunned down in a drive-by in South Central L.A. The "Teach Me How to Dougie" guy! Shot and killed! That's crazy.

How many famous musicians have we lost to unusual deaths? A lot. Biggie and Tupac. John Lennon. Dimebag Darrell. All of them shot and killed. Elliott Smith stabbed himself in the heart! Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, the Big Bopper, Ronnie Van Zandt -- plane crashes! Stevie Ray Vaughan, helicopter crash! Jeff Buckley, drowned! And there are too many drug overdoses and suicides to mention.

Normal people don't die that way. Most of you will die of heart attacks and cancer and car crashes and auto-erotic asphyxiation. But famous musicians don't live like normal people, so it only makes sense that most of them won't die like normal people, either. Here are eleven fatal predictions for some still-living musical greats:

Neil Young


At 65, with epilepsy and at least one recent aneurysm, it might make sense that Old Neil would go down with some brain or neurological problem. Instead he'll walk peacefully into a wheat field one summer evening where a flock of blackbirds will pick him up by the flannel and carry him into the sunset or someplace just beyond the horizon where they can eat him.

Snoop Dogg

  • Chad Sengstock

While rolling down the street smoking indo and sipping on gin and juice, a heavily intoxicated Jared Miller will veer into the center median, flipping his car several times before crashing into a recording studio where Snoop had been hard at work on his first hip-hop album for kids, tentatively titled The Alphabizzle.

Justin Bieber


The Great Tween Barricade Collapse of 2012 will be considered one of the worst American civil-engineering failures of the 21st century. After a Bieber performance at the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards, a throng of tweens will storm security. No longer able to suppress the ever-increasing mass, the barricades will collapse, and Bieber will be ripped to shreds by a mountain lion that had come down from the hills in search of easy prey. The lion and several young girls will then be trampled.

Celine Dion

A love of fried foods will promote the buildup of arterial plaque, and her heart will not go on.

Bob Dylan

click to enlarge bob_dylan_promo.jpg

Rainy Day Women numbers 12 and 35 will discover the existence of Rainy Day Women 83 through 90 and, in a fit of bitter jealousy, stone him to death.

Paul McCartney


C'mon. The real McCartney died in a car wreck in November 1967. The fake McCartney, Fauxl, as he's been called, is named Billy Shears Campbell. He's going to die of natural causes.

Mariah Carey




After keeping his condition a secret for decades, Bono finally dies of AIDS. All of a sudden all that charity work he did doesn't seem so selfless, now does it?

Trent Reznor

click to enlarge ROB SHERIDAN
  • Rob Sheridan

While in line at Taco Bell waiting to order third a Baja Beef Gordita, the Nine Inch Nails singer will suffer a fatal embolism. His final moments will be spent grasping at napkins and Fire Sauce packets as he collapses to the floor.

Lady Gaga


Amid the smoldering rubble of American cities, under dark toxic ash clouds, Lady Gaga's batteries will release their final joules. No one will be there to witness her aluminum skeleton's diminishing twitches as she hunches toward the Earth, giving the illusion of a small silver child quietly crying or falling asleep. For the first time since the beginning of her career, she will possess an endearing, almost-human quality.




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Edward Fairchild


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