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Friday, April 29, 2011

Helpful Advice: How to Get to the Front at Shows

Posted By on Fri, Apr 29, 2011 at 10:32 AM

Fact: People who go to shows, see it's crowded, and then stand at

the back of the room behind everyone who arrived before them are just plain

lazy. There are a number of methods of getting up close and personal with the

cold hard barrier, stern-faced security people, or sticky old stage -- and we're

here to help you find the one that best suits you.

click to enlarge concert_crowd.jpg

  • Pretend You've Dropped Something
    For this one, adopt a really frantic

    facial expression and run toward the crowd looking as if you're on the verge

    of tears. Once you get there, bend down, turn your phone on, and point it at the

    ground as though you're using it as a light source and start sweeping people out of

    the way at knee level. It is important to blurt out exclamations for this

    one. "I can't believe I've lost that," "I knew I shouldn't have worn grandma's

    bracelet," and "Shit! My wedding ring!" are all valid sentences to use. You'll be surprised how accommodating people are when they think

    something valuable is at stake.

  • The Softly, Softly Approach
    You can get to the front with relative ease if you're willing to be sneaky and patient simultaneously. Start by moving toward the front of the room. The best way to do this is

    to go down the side of the crowd (trying to get through the center is a

    pointless, aggravating nightmare). Once you get as far forward as you can, start sidestepping your way in. Dress it up like a ridiculous dance

    move if you have to, but just keep zigzagging and swaying, like the music is

    simply carrying you, and you'll get there eventually. This is a gradual

    process, but a rewarding one because you get want you want without anyone

    really noticing you or thinking you're an inconsiderate douche -- you're just

    that person enjoying a lovely, hip-swaying good time.
     

  • Pretend You're Looking for Someone


    binoculars.jpg

    Here's how this will play out. Even though you are

    here alone, you'll stand at the edge of the audience. Every minute

    or so, stand on tiptoes and crane your neck, staring into the

    depths of the crowd. Between cranes, stare at your phone, sigh really loudly

    (or roll your eyes, or tut in disgust -- the choice is yours), do one massive shrug,

    and start charging through rows of people, as though you Just Have No Choice

    because you Must Find Your Friend. Every time you reach someone who won't let

    you through, do more craning, more phone-staring, and more sighing. Breathe like

    you're frustrated. If you need to, pretend to send an angry text. After you

    repeat these steps several times, the person will be so annoyed by your

    straining noises, your peering over them, and the light from your phone, that

    they'll just cave and let you through. Lather, rinse, repeat.

  • Find Weaknesses in the Pack
    It's possible to move forward relatively quickly

    if you can just spot the people who won't stick around for the whole

    thing and create a path through the gaps they leave behind. The most important

    groups for you to locate are as follows: (1) Couples making out. They  just

    started dating, and this show was just "something to do together" so they will

    leave to go home and bone, way before the show is over. If you find enough

    couples in the first 10 minutes, you're golden. (2) Smokers. If there are cigarettes visible on a human

    being, that person needs to put one in his or her mouth about every 20

    minutes. Maybe less, especially if they're drinking. (3) Weed smokers. Follow your nose, find them, and fail to be

    surprised when their eyes start closing and they need to get some air.

  • Pose as a Cocktail Waitress
    For this, you will need to steal -- sorry, "borrow" -- a tray from somewhere in the venue (we'll let you get creative with that part). Then

    you need to buy four drinks. Perch them on the tray,

    hold it high above your head, and start walking. People will move out of

    the way because they appreciate the valuable job they think you're

    doing, or because they don't want anything spilled on them. When you reach

    the front, ditch the tray, give the drinks to the angry people you've just

    pushed in front of to placate them, and enjoy the show!

 

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Rae Alexandra

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