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Monday, April 25, 2011

Groupies, Piss, and Penises: Five Shocking Music Memoirs

Posted By on Mon, Apr 25, 2011 at 8:32 AM

Those of you who enjoy a feel-good read and a hearty chuckle

will be pleased to hear that Steven Patrick "Barrel of Laughs" Morrissey is in the

process of finishing up his memoir.

So, while we sit and genuinely hope for a chapter about the punctured bicycle

on a hillside, desolate, that inspired "This Charming Man," we wanted to take a

look back at some of the most shocking music memoirs in recent memory. You

might want to consider reading these five if you haven't yet ... as long as you have a strong stomach.

1. Mackenzie Phillips,

mackenzie.jpg

Fans

of the Mamas and the Papas might want to look away now and the rest of you should

probably pay special attention to your gag reflex, because this book, written

by Papa John's daughter, Mackenzie, reveals that -- wait for it -- her crazy

hippie of a father took it upon himself to have sex with her one night while she

was wasted and passed out.
"
My

father was not a man with boundaries," Phillips attempts to reason. "He was

full of love, and he was sick with drugs. I woke up that night from a blackout

to find myself having sex with my own father." We'd call that date rape, except dads and

daughters don't go on dates. We'll be shuddering for the next year.

2. Henry Rollins, Get in the Van

get_in_the_van.jpg

Between 1981 and 1986, Henry Rollins fronted one of the most

important hardcore bands in history. And -- God bless that crazy kid -- he kept

an extremely detailed diary of Black Flag's tours. Get in the Van explores it

all in full-color detail -- 297 pages of passages like: "Some girl dumped a

cup of hot piss on me while we were playing. Nothing like a mouthful of some

girl's piss to put a damper on your mood." Yippee!
By the end of it all, Rollins sounds like he's in the midst of

losing his mind completely: "The elements put me here and they'll take me away

as well. Every day I feel stronger. My soul becomes more tempered. My carcass

becomes more like armor. The soft white underbelly becomes scarred and

hardened." Fun!

3. Keith

Richards, Life

keithrichards_life.jpg

Imagine

if you were in one of rock 'n' roll's most legendary groups and one of your

bandmates decided one day, more than 40 years into your career, to announce to

the world that you had a small penis. For poor ol' Mick Jagger this is a

horrifying reality, having suffered the indignity of being referred to as

"unbearable," "Your Majesty," and "Brenda" in Richards' 2010 autobiography, Life. The Stones guitarist claimed in his book that Jagger's ex, Marianne Faithfull,

"had no fun with his tiny todger. I know he's got an enormous pair of balls --

but it doesn't quite fill the gap." TMI, Keith, TMI ...

4. Led Zeppelin,

hammer1.jpg

The bandmembers maintain that much of what was written in this biog was fabricated

nonsense by a man who didn't know them all that well and who was relying

on a bitter ex-tour manager for information. But author and music journalist

Stephen Davis stands by it all -- motorcycle rides in hotel corridors,

14-year-old groupies, orgies, heroin problems, an attempted rape, and a

legendarily unfortunate incident involving a groupie and a dead shark (that

later turned out to be a red snapper). Epic.

1. Mötley Crüe, The Dirt

motley_crue_the_dirt.jpg

It starts with the band members using homemade flamethrowers to

kill the roaches in their apartment and goes downhill from there. Nikki

Sixx tries to outcrazy Ozzy Osbourne on tour and fails (Henry Rollins will be

pleased to know he's not the only piss-drinker in this list), Tommy Lee

has to be physically chained to things to keep him in one place, drug dealers

jump out of windows, phones are inserted into vaginas, bandmembers are revived

from death, and Vince Neil still has access to groupies while in jail for

killing Hanoi Rocks drummer, Razzle, in a drunk-driving incident. The most insane true story you will ever read. 

  

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