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Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Helpful Advice: How to Survive NOT Going to Coachella

Posted By on Wed, Apr 13, 2011 at 8:29 AM

The time is almost upon us. This week, tens of thousands of

beautiful indie kids will descend on a patch of desert in Indio,

Calif., and bear witness to some of the

finest music the modern world has to offer at the 13th annual

Coachella Festival.


For those of you who didn't manage to get a ticket

(because they sold out in one week!), couldn't get the time off, or couldn't wrangle a guest pass from that guy who's friends with

that dude you know from work who used to do merch for [insert band name here]

back in [insert year here], here's some helpful advice for not turning green

with envy once Friday rolls around.

  • Remember: It's in the Freakin' Desert, People

    It's a widely known fact that the two most uncomfortable

    festivals on earth are the Warped Tour and Coachella. Both routinely see temperatures over a

    hundred degrees every day -- but while Warped lasts a mere ten hours, Coachella

    goes on for three entire days. Three days! In the desert! What are you? The

    Doors? Did we mention there's like zero shade at this thing? It's hard to enjoy

    PJ Harvey when your skin is melting, that's all we're saying.

  • Remember: Coachella Is Bad for Beards
    There's a good chance that if you want to go to Coachella

    and you're a boy, you probably have a beard (not that we're stereotyping or

    anything). Unfortunately, beards and Coachella simply do not mix. All that heat

    makes you sweat, all that sweat makes your man fur itchy, then all the dust

    being kicked up everywhere ends up trapped in your face rug. It's a cruel

    irony, but if you went to Coachella, you'd have to shave. And that would suck

    for both your face and the many, many ladies who are lusty for beards. Don't

    even get us started on the poor suckers who arrive with beards on Day One, are

    forced to shave on Day Two because of the discomfort, then end up having half a

    tan face and half a pasty white one. Hilarious, but a sad sight to behold.

  •  Remember: Coachella Is a Pretension Magnet

    We don't know why. Really, we don't. We know it's close to Los

    Angeles and stuff, but there really is a ridiculously

    high quota of douchiness present at Coachella every year.
    If there were a

    televised broadcast of the audience, we would create a drinking game for the

    occasion in which you had to take a shot every time you saw one of those

    skinny American Apparel braided headbands, a pair of BluBlocker sunglassess, or a girl

    who in no way embodies alternative living dressed like a hippie because she

    thinks everyone who ever goes to a festival ever should dress like it's

    Woodstock. You'd be wasted within ten minutes.

  • Remember: Some Things Are Even Funnier Than Kanye.
    Sad about missing Kanye West? Us too. But any time you feel a twinge of longing,

    just watch this instead. Never gets old.

  • Look Closely at the Lineup
    Stop focusing on all those bands you'd love to see and start

    reading the fine print. You'll probably do a double-take when you see the words

    Big Audio Dynamite high up on Saturday's bill (sorry, Mick Jones, we do love the Clash of course, and B.A.D. had its place, but we really can't believe Big

    Audio Dynamite is still performing -- it's just kind of weird at this point).

    And the London Suede? Really? Who

    on earth thought that reunion was necessary?

  • Remember: Coachella Vegetarians End Up Smelling Like Sausages
    Back in 2009, Morrissey -- ever the comedian -- got quite

    distressed during his set and announced, "I can smell burning flesh and I hope

    to God it's human." Then he walked offstage halfway through a song and

    informed everyone a few minutes later that "The smell of burning animals is

    making me sick." If he feels like that up onstage, miles away from the stink

    of the crowd, imagine what it smells like in the thick of things. So feel

    better, herbivores: For now, by missing the festival, you don't have to return

    home smelling like a dirty rib joint. Hurray!

Follow us on Twitter @SFAllShookDown, follow Rae Alexandra @Raemondjjjj, and like us at

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