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Thursday, March 17, 2011

J Hova's Wackness: Five Unsportsmanlike Jay-Z Dis Songs

Posted By on Thu, Mar 17, 2011 at 9:00 AM

Oh, very mature
  • Oh, very mature

In positioning himself as the world's foremost financial investor who also sometimes still deigns to rap, it's understandable that Jay-Z has inspired a certain amount of jealousy along the way to the top. This week, a new book, Empire State of Mind: How Jay-Z Went From Street Corner to Corner Office, rolls out the claims of Jay-Z's early mentor, the rapper Jaz-O, who alleges among other nefarious shenanigans that Jigga once shot his brother. ("He said it was kinda an accident," offers Jaz in mitigation.) But while Jaz-O has legitimate beef, having given Jigga his first shot at the music business before being unceremoniously left behind, other rappers have more crassly seen Hova's rise to fame as an opportunity to fast-track their (usually) ailing rap careers. Below are five of the most bizarre dis songs aimed at Jay-Z that probably passed you by.

5. Afroman, "Whack Rappers"

"This next song is dedicated to all the whack rappers / And all the whack people that like and buy they whack music." So begins the introduction to weeded rap writer Afroman's attempt to prove that he's not just a sozzled stoner who stumbled his way to brief popularity with the song "Because I Got High." Instead, he decides to muster up a dis list that tackles pretty much every circa-2003 rapper, headed up by you know who: "I think you crazy if you like Jay-Z / Don't change clothes, change the CD." In other low-lights, Afroman also rhymes "Mary J" with "gay" and labels Lil Jon as "ignorant." Just call him the father to Lil B's style.

4. Street Smartz, "Ain't No Burna"

Technically more akin to an answer record than a straight-up shot at Jay-Z, here New York independent rap footnote F.T., of the group Street Smartz, switches up Jay and Foxy Brown's chatter about getting intimate and boasting about their garish Versace sweater collections on "Ain't No Nigga" and recasts the song as a street-level paean to guns. Freestyling over the original beat, F.T. spits single-subject-matter fire for "all you gat packers." A remix of this featuring Jigga would have been great, actually. (Bonus non-Jay-Z moment: Street Smartz's indie classic "Metal Thangz," featuring Pharoahe Monch and O.C., which, despite the title, is actually about microphones and not more guns.)

3. Bizzle, "Some Explaining To Do"

Taking offense at Jigga's J-Hova alias, Christian rapper Bizzle -- or rather "a rapper that's Christian," as he later clarified it -- hooked up an instrumental of "Renegade" and set about detailing Jay-Z's apparent religious barbs. Then he charged that Jigga's videos are littered with symbols of the occult. And that he's an active member of the Illuminati. It's a trick the rapper would repeat on a follow-up dis, wherein he expressed his disgust at Jigga and Rick Ross's "Free Mason." Strangely, despite claiming the theological high ground, Bizzle seems to have no bones to pick with Jigga's earlier spiel about how he once had to "slay these niggas faithfully."

2. Hammer, "Better Run Run"

After feeling slurred by Jay-Z's financial analysis of his once-fortune in Kanye West's "So Appalled," wherein Jigga claimed that Hammer squandered a $30 million stash, the Oakland dancing machine delivered up the dis attempt "Better Run Run." As a song it's a strange beast, some sort of attempt to strike like a post-crunk-era club anthem; lyrically, it's equally limp, with Hammer failing to deliver any sort of a death blow towards Jigga. Instead, it largely seems to revolve around Hammer reminding everyone that he's a "king." Alas, the song prompted little more than a shrug from Jigga, thereby denying rap gawkers the chance to watch what could have been a thoroughly entertaining dance-off between two 40-something rappers.

1. B. Pumper, "She Ain't Satisfied"

In a move that makes Hammer's attempt to topple Jay-Z's crown seem like the height of good taste and rap decorum, male porn star Brian Pumper figured the best way to launch a rap career would be to question Jay's bedroom manner. Possibly not mimicking Jay's critically lauded Reasonable Doubt-era flow, Bumper spits juvenile sex slights like "Get out of here, she tired of you, your sex game's weak / You don't lick coochie right / You ain't packing no meat." At the end he pleads with 50 Cent to give him a record deal. (Fif' declined.) If you don't have the stamina to sit through Pumper's opus, skip to the 1'43 mark for his comedy facial expressions bit.

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Phillip Mlynar


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