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Monday, March 14, 2011

A Ke$ha Condom, and Eight More Celebrity-Endorsed Rubbers We'd Use

Posted By on Mon, Mar 14, 2011 at 10:30 AM

Prepare for your genitals to feel itchy, because LifeStyles

is bringing out a line of Ke$ha

condoms. Presumably, the front of the condom packet will have her face on it,

accompanied by a catchy tagline -- something to encourage us to use such a

product. Something threatening, maybe? Perhaps: "If you don't use this rubber,

you may find yourself, in 18 years, attempting to

raise a headdress-wearing crazy woman who won't stop talking about her 'junk'." That'd work on us, anyway.

While we wait and see what LifeStyles

comes up with, we've decided to have a stab at who could be next in line for the

condom sponsorship train. Like Ke$ha, the following artists certainly make

us think twice about ever reproducing. Ever.

1. Celine Dion


Yes, yes, Celine Dion is a frightening exaggeration of a

human being. But did you see those gigantic Baby Dior gowns

she put her twins in for their baptism recently? Hideously ostentatious even by

Dion standards. Well think about this.

What if you had kids one day, then won the lottery? What if you lost touch with

reality and started dressing your children in baby tents? Just avoid the whole sorry

scenario and use the Dion condom. Because nobody likes a tasteless show off.

2. Christina Aguilera


The point of the Aguilera condom would be to remind you of

what an irresponsible parent you could potentially turn out to be. One day, you're

there, a doting parent, sane and sober. The next, you're forgetting the words to

the National Anthem, falling over at the Grammys, and getting arrested for

being out on the town and wasted out of your yodeling, gurning mind. Be careful

out there, people. If you wish your life to be one filled with drunk-driving and

booze-fueled arrests, keep using the Aguilera condom and save yourself the

responsibility of having to feel bad about the little ones at home.

3. Billy Ray Cyrus


The BRC condom should exist because we all know what he

produced with his loins. Let it be a warning to us all.

4. Lars Ulrich, Metallica


Well, he's just annoying isn't he? Imagine if you birthed a Lars-a-like. He'd

be in your house whining about everything for, like, eighteen years. Don't even get us

started on Thanksgiving. Just use the Lars condom and save yourself all the potential for irritation.

5. Taylor Momsen, The Pretty Reckless


We're just going to let the image speak for itself here. Imagine

if your future 17-year-old daughter kept popping out for coffee dressed like a hooker. Condom, please!

6. Joel Madden, Good Charlotte


Joel is a good dad. And he's handsome too. The reason there

should be a Joel Madden condom though, is because the likelihood that you'll

ever be able to produce offspring as cute as Joel Madden and Nicole Richie have

managed is marginal at best. Why bother even trying?

7. Jermaine Jackson


In case you were previously unaware, Jermaine

named his son -- wait for it -- Jermajesty. That's right! Jermajesty. Like Her Majesty,

except it actually doesn't make sense in the slightest. JJ condoms

should therefore exist to remind us of the

depths of stupidity naming a child can prompt in humans.

8. Rihanna

  • Paper Magazine

Imagine a world in which your children are singing

along to

songs about sadomasochism before they even know about the birds and the


Oh, that's right! You don't have to, because we already live in it!


Rihanna. Thanks for lulling parents the world over into a false sense

of security with

a song about an umbrella, then -- once all the kiddies are listening to

you -- going R-rated on the pre-teens ("Rude Boy" was also stellar lyrically

for your younger audience). That was super responsible. Cheers.

Follow us on Twitter @SFAllShookDown, follow Rae Alexandra@Raemondjjjj, and like us at

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