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Monday, February 14, 2011

Top 6 Songs About Sex That'll Make You Celibate: Happy Valentine's Day

Posted By on Mon, Feb 14, 2011 at 8:39 AM

In case you forgot, it's Valentine's Day -- the one day of the year where everyone is contractually obliged to go out and get laid or fear feeling bad about themselves until Feb. 15 rolls around. Well, in the interest of restoring balance to the world, we wanted to offer some reminders that sometimes sex isn't always the answer. Here then, are the top six songs about sex that'll probably just make you want to embrace celibacy.

6. Ludacris featuring Shawnna, "What's Your Fantasy?"

Holy crap, this song is amazing. Significantly though, despite being all about the act of humping, it is not even remotely sexy. The reasons for that are threefold: (1) It is impossible to listen to without jumping up and down, grinding against a friend in a platonic, comedy manner and laughing hysterically. (2) A portion of this song hinges on trying to make the act of licking man toes sound sexy. At best, that's a chore, at worst it's a torture device. And (3) the song's sex factor is further hindered by the fact that the video appears to be a parody of every single rap video ever made. Fine work, but definitely not sexy.

5. Maxwell, "Til The Cops Come Knockin"

There's a portion of the population that'll tell you that Maxwell is the sexiest man alive. That could probably be true if only he'd stop trying so damn hard. Here's a newsflash: rolling around on the floor in a shiny suit looks desperate. Also, resorting to cliché after cliché in an attempt to sound sexy isn't hot -- it's obvious and boring. And finally, lyrics like "Was it enough to penetrate your dark world?" sound a little bit... well... rapey. Full marks for being really bloody obvious though, dude.

4. Def Leppard, "Pour Some Sugar On Me"

Probably the greatest song the Leppard ever wrote, "Pour Some Sugar On Me" is, unfortunatel, in possession of some of the worst lyrics ever, swinging, as they do, between utterly ridiculous ("Razzle 'n' a dazzle 'n' a flash a little light, television lover, baby, go all night" anyone?) to dirty old man euphemisms about sexual acts (we know it's not really a "bottle" you want "shaken up", Joe Elliott). Then, to make matters worse, they take the "Demolition woman, can I be your man?" line to hideously literal lengths, by putting actual demolition women in one of the most grim videos of all time. Quite stunning, all in all.

3. Soft Cell "Sex Dwarf"

"Sex dwarf lures all the disco dollies to a life of vice," Marc Almond announces here, in the manner of a ten-year-old boy trying out for a part in a post-modern version of Oliver! We're not disputing the fact that "Sex Dwarf" is a great song -- it's more that the lyrics move from kink to totally absurd and utterly comedic within seconds, and Almond's delivery makes it all the more funny. "Walk, my little dolly, walk my little sex dwarf," = hilarious! "They all love your miniature ways" = positively Monty Python! And he's so serious! Brilliant stuff? Yes. Hot? Sweet Jesus, no.

2. Starland Vocal Band, "Afternoon Delight"

You know how this song has always conjured up images of hairy, unkempt, stinky hippies boning away in broad (and unflattering) daylight? Well, in case you've never seen this, let's just prepare you for the fact that the video reality is actually a little bit worse than that: it's your sixth grade math teacher planning an orgy with two hot single moms. At least that's what it looks like to us. It's also impossible to listen to this without thinking about how much pubic hair was allowed to exist in the '70s. And that's just gross.

1. Color Me Badd, "I Wanna Sex You Up"

"Let's light a candle so we can make it better," CMB sing here. Well, better than having a proper light on, that's for sure. Actually, pitch darkness would be the best option here, but even then, having sex with one of these clowns would still be horrific. Because even in the darkest depths of the nearest black hole, those sad little pubey moustaches and that abominable collection of haircuts (just look at them all!) would still be glaringly apparent. We hope the girls in this video got paid handsomely. Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

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