Get SF Weekly Newsletters

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Top 10 Signs the Album You Are About to Hear Is Going to Suck

Posted By on Wed, Nov 17, 2010 at 8:07 AM

click to enlarge Uh, did the cover say "Nickelback" on it?
  • Uh, did the cover say "Nickelback" on it?
All cliches aside about not judging art/entertainment objects by their covers, sometimes you can predict with perfect confidence that some new record is going to drag you down into a pool of shit. Other times, one or two aspects of some new release -- what the cover art looks like, the scores it's been given by critics, even where the record's playing in public -- will set off alarm bells. Sometimes you proceed and are rewarded for your bravery. Other times, you proceed, waste irrecoverable moments of your life, and cause serious damage your ears/soul/self-esteem/reputation. In a solemn effort to save you from such miseries, dear reader, here are the top 10 signs the album you are about to hear is going to suck.

10. The artist was hailed by NME as "rock's best new hope," or something like that.

1130_silent_alarm_thumb_400x400.jpg

9. The band has some mind-numbing one-word name like PlaceboConverge, or Nickelback.
1236205240004_f_thumb_500x500.jpeg

8. Rolling Stone gave it five stars.
4bcac0f0_1c21_4dae_bf53_af6fc78f2b49_thumb_500x606.jpeg

7. The cover art is just a picture of the artist wearing a dress, a cowboy hat, or both.

tobykeithbluemoon.jpg
6. The accompanying press release or advertisement or hype asks, "isn't it time for a band that just takes rock 'n' roll back to its roots?"

obtnus.jpg

5. It's playing over the speakers in your hometown mall.
screen_shot_2010_11_18_at_7.39.23_am.jpg


4. Rolling Stone gave it two stars (the mag never gives anything one star, so getting two means it's really bad.)

treysongzppp.jpg

3. The artist was recently born again.
saved_thumb_500x500.jpeg

2. You've never heard of the artist, and the debut album is coming out on a major label.
5ive_five_boy_band_1_.jpg

1. Ke$ha made it.

animalkesha.jpg

Follow us on Twitter @SFAllShookDown and @iPORT

  • Pin It

Tags: , , , , ,

About The Author

Ian S. Port

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Popular Stories

  1. Most Popular Stories
  2. Stories You Missed

Like us on Facebook

Slideshows

  • clipping at Brava Theater Sept. 11
    Sub Pop recording artists 'clipping.' brought their brand of noise-driven experimental hip hop to the closing night of 2016's San Francisco Electronic Music Fest this past Sunday. The packed Brava Theater hosted an initially seated crowd that ended the night jumping and dancing against the front of the stage. The trio performed a set focused on their recently released Sci-Fi Horror concept album, 'Splendor & Misery', then delved into their dancier and more aggressive back catalogue, and recent single 'Wriggle'. Opening performances included local experimental electronic duo 'Tujurikkuja' and computer music artist 'Madalyn Merkey.'"