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Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Top 10 Signs the Album You Are About to Hear Is Going to Suck

Posted By on Wed, Nov 17, 2010 at 8:07 AM

click to enlarge Uh, did the cover say "Nickelback" on it?
  • Uh, did the cover say "Nickelback" on it?
All cliches aside about not judging art/entertainment objects by their covers, sometimes you can predict with perfect confidence that some new record is going to drag you down into a pool of shit. Other times, one or two aspects of some new release -- what the cover art looks like, the scores it's been given by critics, even where the record's playing in public -- will set off alarm bells. Sometimes you proceed and are rewarded for your bravery. Other times, you proceed, waste irrecoverable moments of your life, and cause serious damage your ears/soul/self-esteem/reputation. In a solemn effort to save you from such miseries, dear reader, here are the top 10 signs the album you are about to hear is going to suck.

10. The artist was hailed by NME as "rock's best new hope," or something like that.

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9. The band has some mind-numbing one-word name like PlaceboConverge, or Nickelback.
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8. Rolling Stone gave it five stars.
click to enlarge 4bcac0f0_1c21_4dae_bf53_af6fc78f2b49_thumb_500x606.jpeg

7. The cover art is just a picture of the artist wearing a dress, a cowboy hat, or both.

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6. The accompanying press release or advertisement or hype asks, "isn't it time for a band that just takes rock 'n' roll back to its roots?"

click to enlarge obtnus.jpg

5. It's playing over the speakers in your hometown mall.
click to enlarge screen_shot_2010_11_18_at_7.39.23_am.jpg

4. Rolling Stone gave it two stars (the mag never gives anything one star, so getting two means it's really bad.)

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3. The artist was recently born again.
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2. You've never heard of the artist, and the debut album is coming out on a major label.
click to enlarge 5ive_five_boy_band_1_.jpg

1. Ke$ha made it.

click to enlarge animalkesha.jpg

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Ian S. Port


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