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Friday, November 5, 2010

'If You Fart, Claim It': Helpful Advice For Touring Musicians

Posted By on Fri, Nov 5, 2010 at 12:07 PM

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Contrary to popular belief, touring with a band is often difficult, uncomfortable, unglamorous work. It can be fun as hell, but the endless cycles of late nights, crappy food, long car rides, and confinement with the same few sweaty people for a long time take their toll on even the most stoked musicians.

Helpful, then, is this list of advice for touring musicians compiled by Thor Harris, who's played with such weirdo luminaries as Michael Gira (in Swans), Smog, Angels of Light, and many other bands. Swans, a legendary industrial outfit that reformed earlier this year, plays the Regency Ballroom in March; tickets go on sale this Saturday. To get an idea of what its members will be experiencing between now and then, check out the Harris' advice for touring musicians below.

1. Don't complain. Bitching, moaning, whining is tour cancer. If something is wrong, fix it or shut the fuck up you fucking dick. Goddamn.

2. If you fart, claim it.

3. Don't lose shit. Everybody loses shit. Don't fucking do it. Asshole.

4. Don't fuck anyone in the band. There are tons of people to fuck who are not in this band. Dumbass.

5. If you feel like shit all the time, drink less beer at the gig. You will play better and feel better. What are you -- a child? Some have the endurance for self-abuse. Most don't.

6. Remember the soundman's name. He will do a better job.

7. Eat oranges. Cures constipation and prevents colds.

8. Masturbate. Duh... Where and when? Be creative. You're an artist right?

9. If YOU can't carry your suitcase three blocks, it's too goddamn big.

10. Respect public space in the van. Don't clutter, you fuck.

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Ian S. Port

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