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Monday, August 30, 2010

The Top Five Songs About Pregnancy That'll Make You Celibate

Posted By on Mon, Aug 30, 2010 at 11:14 AM

As we all know, there are entire genres of music that exist solely for the purpose of getting you in the mood for humping; soundtracking said humping when humpage commences; or for reminiscing about the humping after the humping is over.

But every now and again, the universe throws us some tunes to bring balance back into the world -- songs that make us want to sew our pants shut, cross our legs, and take up knitting to keep our hands busy.

Here then, ladies and gentleman, are the top five songs about pregnancy that'll make you celibate. Prepare to lose your frisk:

5. "The River," Bruce Springsteen 
Moral of the story: when you meet broads named Mary in high school, when they're just 17, do not - we repeat - do not take them down to the river and dive. Because all of that wet frolicking fun will result in nothing but pregnancy and really, really crappy presents for your nineteenth birthday. Your have been warned. (Side note: props to The Boss for genuinely sounding like he wants to drown himself in the goddamn river by the end of the song.)

4. "Hellbound," The Breeders 
You probably thought this song was just about some weird, trippy abstract malarkey when you first heard it. The track from 1992's Pod is, in actuality, about a fetus that survives an abortion attempt. Fun! "It lives in folds of red and steamy air/ It lives in misery," croons Kim Deal. Is anyone feeling sexy right now, or is it just us?

3. "There Goes My Life," Kenny Chesney 
Kenny Chesney artfully summarizes the fact that once you have a child, your life will become so utterly joyless, you might as well be dead. Go Kenny! Even when he tries to throw a twist in at the end about ultimately loving the unwanted offspring, you still get the feeling that the song's protagonist does, and will always, feel utterly robbed by the whole sorry scenario. Use a condom, kids, use a condom... And spermicidal lubricant... And birth control pills... Lots of birth control pills... 

2. "Have A Baby By Me," 50 Cent featuring Ne-Yo 
It's not just ol' Fiddy's glaring disinterest in actual child-rearing here that sets off alarm bells (he doesn't seem to understand that babies grow into, like, actual people and stuff) -- it's that his focus on the sexual activity that leads to the baby-making here is so horrifying and creepy, it's like getting a glimpse into the mind of the crazy old disgusting dude on the bus who tries to grope you during rush hour overcrowding. Listen closely, then spend the rest of the day shuddering. Gross, Fiddy. Just gross.

1. "Pregnant," R. Kelly featuring Tyrese, Robin Thicke, The-Dream 
Aaaw, yeah. You ready for this, ladies? R. Kelly wants to "lay you down, get you pregnant (knock you up)" so he can "put [you] in [his] kitchen". One at a time, ladies! One at a time! Clearly oblivious to the fact that referring to vaginas as "secret garden"s is a guaranteed lady repellant, Mr Kelly also appears to be under the assumption that taking a woman shopping/ buying her crap is a guarantee of sex later on (date rape, anyone? Awesome!).

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Rae Alexandra


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