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Thursday, August 5, 2010

@sk Jamie Varon: My Wife Won't Add Me on Facebook. Is She Cheating?

Posted By on Thu, Aug 5, 2010 at 12:27 PM

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Dear Jamie, 

My wife will not accept me as a friend on Facebook. She has my sister and several other of my family members on as friends, but not me. She does not even state that she is married on her profile. Should I be worried or have something to bitch at her about? Please advise. Thanks.



Sincerely,

Friendless in Fillmore

Dear Friendless,

I'm sorry to break this to you, but there are only one of two things at play here and both of them are shenanigans. Your wife is either taking a lover on the side or she is hoping to take a lover on the side. And, unfortunately, your family is in on it or, at the very least, supportive. This should really cut to the core of you, make you question your entire marriage, and force you to have unprotected and inappropriate sex with someone younger and hotter than your wife.

The next thing to do is to create a fake Facebook page using pictures of a guy that is better looking than you. Say in your profile that you're recently divorced, post fake pictures of yourself in front of monuments or with a baby or puppy (chicks dig that) and then start messaging your wife. Hit on her, but not in a creepy way. Say things like, "I noticed that you're not married. How is a pretty woman like you not hitched yet? I'd love to get coffee." Inevitably, she'll respond with something like, "Nope, not married yet! Really enjoying being single and playing the field. Sure, I'd love to get coffee. Bring that puppy/baby/cute thing from that picture."

Now, you have evidence that your wife is using Facebook (OF ALL THINGS!) to cheat on you. Your first reaction shouldn't be surprise that she's trying to pull a fast one on you; it should be that she's using Facebook to do that. You can't respect a woman who's using Facebook to find lovers. You just can't.

Now, it's your turn for some revenge. 

Change your default picture to you with a woman that is just about 25% better looking than your wife with a caption that says, "The grass IS greener! Lovin' the single life!" It's really okay if you pay this woman to take a picture with you or if she is a stripper. It hardly matters where you got the picture; what matters is that you have it and that you're sending a message to your wife: her shenanigans are not acceptable. Revenge is sweet, and it comes in the form of a woman named Candy.

So, go on, Friendless. Get down with your bad self. And get down with some strippers and other women with questionable morals. You deserve it, baby. 

xoxo,

--

Brave enough to ask Jamie a question? Submit your question to her Formspring. She promises she'll play nice.

Also, follow us on Twitter at @jamievaron and @sfweekly

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Jamie Varon

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