Other times your instincts are wrong. The corpulent Santa Cruz casualty waddles in front of the crowd wearing a a Japanese flag headband; in his hand trembles a suspiciously opaque motor mug. You think, "Perhaps I should have stayed home and finished The Wire, after all." Then he shoulders some faded Les Paul, burps vodka and Dr. Pepper into the mike -- at this point you actually move toward the door -- and launches (with his neanderthal of a drummer) into a ridiculously ballsy blooze-punk blast that makes the band you came to see look like a musical mummy convention. You are so glad you didn't leave.
Lesson: the preliminary indications of a good or bad live music performance are tricky. Yet telltale signs abound. We've trolled our years of show-going experience to issue this list of 10 grave warnings. One alone may not warrant the making of an immediate exit, but should you observe two or more of these clues and choose to remain -- well, we take no responsibility for your actions thenceforth.
1. The band members' amps cost more than their braces
The whippersnappers onstage have orthodontia and full Marshall stacks -- and you're not in a middle school multipurpose room? Leave now.
2. Long Island ice teas suddenly go on special at the bar.
Nothing says "we'll all be better off if you don't remember this tomorrow" like four kinds of booze in one drink.
3. Leather pants
In 2010, only Slash, Steven Tyler, and bondage fans can get away with them.
4. Venue has a ban on large handheld signs, glitter, ecstatic screaming, or handwritten marriage proposals.
Rule does not apply if you are under the age of 14.
5. Guitarist overheard griping before the show about how "we tuned these things last week."
Although it could turn into a good laugh if he performs the first song in the wrong key.
6. You suddenly realize that one of the band members is a movie star (but isn't Zooey Deschanel)
What, are you really going to try and defend Dogstar (Keanu Reeves), 30 Seconds to Mars (Jared Leto), or 30 Odd Foot of Grunts (Russel Crowe)?
7. Everyone in the audience knows each other -- and the band members.
Only the band's friends will come out to a show (that isn't its first)? Find the door, and use it.
8. The MC/singer keeps yelling to have their mike turned up -- and it doesn't ever go up.
A clue that the sound man knows something you don't. (But unlike you, he's being paid to stay.)
Maybe "checking e-mail" is a hot new dance move, but do you really want to stick around and find out?
10. Everyone in the crowd -- except you -- is on Ecstasy.
What happens from here on out is all up to you.
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