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Thursday, March 4, 2010

@sk Jamie Varon: I Lied On My LinkedIn Profile

Posted By on Thu, Mar 4, 2010 at 11:00 AM


Dear Jamie Varon,

I've been looking for a new job and inflated my resume andqualifications on my LinkedIn profile because I thought it could help me look attractive to other employers. The only problem is that I forgot that I'm connected to certain people in my company and now feel like it's really obvious I'm looking for a new job. I feel really guilty about it, but changing my profile again will only arouse further suspicions.



Dear TooLinkedIn,

Oh god, you're one of those people, aren't you? The person who says they are extremely proficient with Photoshop, but really all you know about is Microsoft Paint. Or a person who says that they are detail-oriented, which means you basically can make a double-sided copy, which, contrary to popular belief, is pretty damn easy. Did you inflate your qualifications to say you managed several people in the company, but really all you did was serve them coffee and maybe give them a hand job in the bathroom? Did you claim to have increased X percentage of overall profit, when, in actuality, you're an intern who had trouble making a useful Excel sheet?

If anything, I'd be worried that your coworkers will find out that you're a liar and that you're claiming responsibility for the work that they actually do. And, if I were your coworkers, I'd start making you do the work you're claiming you've done and see how quickly you drown underneath your web of lies. You're fantastic at creating high quality PowerPoint presentations? Well, here's about four for you to do. Overtime! LinkedIn says you're great at this! Go you! You're incredibly organized and efficient? Okay, well, I just took all the files out of the order they were once in and now you have one hour to put them back into a system that works, then send a memo out (without any typos!) and explain the entire procedure to us. Chop, chop!

What's really obvious here is not that you're looking for a new job, but that you seem to think that embellishing your resume is a smart idea. Eventually, your new employers will find out that you are a complete fraud and you'll be faced with consequences such as people laughing at you, your karma points going into the negative, and an inability to get laid by anyone even remotely attractive for a year. I'm sorry, but this is the grave you have dug for yourself.

Okay, I'm being a little hard on you, aren't I? Here's the thing: if you're feeling that guilty, then just change your profile (again) to say whatever you want it to say, but be honest about what your skills and qualifications are. If anyone asks, just say that you were doing some cleaning up and updating. Believe me, most people are so self-involved they wouldn't even notice if you were masturbating on the copy machine. But, just in case you are going to do that, make sure you YouTube it. Opportunities are everywhere and your newest one may be in the porn industry. You never know, so you should keep your options wide open. Pun definitely intended.

Follow us on Twitter at @jamievaron and @sfweekly.

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Jamie Varon


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