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Thursday, March 5, 2009

10 Movie Sequels We're Not Looking Forward to This Year. . . At All

Posted By on Thu, Mar 5, 2009 at 8:27 AM

Alvin and the Chipmunks will return this year in a Squeakuel, unfortunately.
  • Alvin and the Chipmunks will return this year in a Squeakuel, unfortunately.
Not every sequel can be The Empire Strikes Back or even Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo, and there seems to be a disproportionate amount of potentially rotten ones coming out in 2009. None of these turkeys would have gotten the green light from the studios if execs didn't feel like there was some potential to make money from them, a sad commentary on the low standards of the movie-going public.

Brace yourself for 10 big-budget stinkers that are headed your way this year, whether you like it or not:

Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel

Last year, Alvin, Simon and Theodore were re-imagined in CGI and made $217 million in North America. Fox can't wait to fling out this nutty sequel full of high-pitched tones meant to drive adults mad.

Fast & Furious

The first one was called The Fast and the Furious, the second one was 2 Fast 2 Furious, and now, with the fourth installment of the urban car racing series, the filmmakers have adopted the ultra lazy name Fast & Furious. We can only wonder if they've similarly skimped on the action.

Star Trek

Eleven films deep into the Star Trek franchise and, similar to The Fast and the Furious films, a return to the basic name. Sure, we know J.J. Abrams (creator of the television series Alias and Lost, among others) is directing, but we've already boldly gone where every man has gone before, and now we are bored.

click to enlarge terminator_salvation_shot1.jpg

(Don't eff with Christian Bale, in his Terminator Salvation character or otherwise)

Terminator Salvation

The infamous audio of Christian Bale losing his mind at a director of photography who accidentally ruined a scene by walking into the frame has already overshadowed Terminator Salvation even before its release date in May. Somewhere in Sacramento, Arnold is shaking his head. . .

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

If you are actually anticipating this movie, you are a 35-to-40-year old man who really needs to stop living in the Eighties. Totally, dude.

Ice Age 3-D: Dawn of the Dinosaurs

3D is all the rage these days, from the horror flick My Bloody Valentine to the considerably more kid-friendly Monsters vs. Aliens. However, we could do without the voices of Ray Romano, Denis Leary and John Leguizamo (who voice the main animal characters) even more in our faces than usual.

Final Destination: Death Trip 3D

Then again, thought of this corny horror series splattering out into the third dimension makes Ice Age all of a sudden seem appealing.

click to enlarge hp.jpg

(Aren't you sick of these Harry Potter kids yet?)

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Sick of the Harry Potter mega-machine? Too bad, you'll have to wait until 2010 for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, which will be the seventh and last film in the series -- at least until they do a Friday the 13th-style resurrection in 10 years.

Beverly Hills Ninja 2

Two words: David Hasslehoff. Avoid like the plague.

G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra

This will be a great double-feature with the Transformers movie for those men aged 35 to 40. And who are we to knock your hustle?

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Tamara Palmer


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