My partner and I are planning to buy a house together this year. This is the first time either of us have purchased a home, so, as you can imagine, we are embarking on this endeavor with careful planning and a great deal of research. One piece of advice we have gotten from many in the know (friends who are homeowners, realtors, mortgage brokers, etc.) is to choose an experienced realtor. Sage advice, we think; we plan to follow it.
The problem is that a young friend has recently decided to pursue a career in real estate. He is not yet licensed, but he has already mentioned several times that he will be licensed by the time we are ready to start viewing homes. I get the feeling he wants to be our realtor. My partner and I do not want him to be our realtor, due to his lack of experience in the field. Every time our home-buying plans come up in a social setting, his potential future talents are enumerated by him and his partner. We've become adept at saying, "We're still in the planning stages," and changing the subject. But what should we say when we're ready to choose a realtor? I don't want to have to lie or avoid going to parties or social gatherings during that whole time, only to re-emerge among my friends when I have a realtor solidly selected and a plethora of home-viewing appointments lined up, or, worse yet, after I have closed escrow! Any advice?
Thank you,
Real Dilemma
Dear Realty-Minded Madam or Sir,
A lack of real estate expertise is a credible reason not to hire a realtor -- but it is rather a thorny reason not to hire a friend. You are in a pickle. But if you can bear another piece of sage advice, I'll give you a much better reason: Doing business (especially with life's savings-size amounts of money) with friends, no matter how skilled they are, is often a very bad idea. We don't have to dig too far into the Social Grace Archives to find examples of friendly relations turned sour by a dispute about fiscal issues -- the price of a dinner, say, or who's responsible for a parking ticket.
You and your partner have been absolutely right to meet your friends' not-so-subtle intimations with intentionally vague subject changes. And there'd be nothing wrong with continuing on that course indefinitely: Meeting inappropriate insinuations with smiling incomprehension can be quite effective. But I have an even better solution, which should work if the hinters get a bit more direct. You won't even be reduced to lying, though a little white lie in the face of untoward pressure is OK by me.
That response might sound something like this: "Oh, I'm sure Hans is going to be a remarkable realtor -- I almost wish we could use him. But I'm sure you already know how dangerous it can be to mix friendship with that kind of complicated business. We prefer a strictly professional relationship when it comes to anything involving finances." If he doesn't take this well, your wisdom in avoiding a business relationship will only be affirmed. Alternatively, you could take advantage of the hints' indirectness, and put a definite end to them: The next time Hans seems to be offered up, say, "It's a good thing I know you're kidding -- but seriously, we would never take advantage of Hans like that, especially when he's just starting out. Why, he's going to need real customers and commissions."
Dear Social Grace,
A friend of mine is an amateur artist who has recently become very prolific, due to a recent layoff. I tend to avoid her work, because it ranges from "not very good" to "extremely horrible." That is not so easy nowadays, and she is constantly asking me for my opinions. I don't want to lie, but what is a polite way to handle these questions? [They're] difficult to avoid, as I am involved in the art world, and she constantly says how much she respects my opinion.
Art Appreciator
Dear Appreciative Madam or Sir,
What, oh what, is so horrible about a tiny little fib every now and again? When it's employed solely to spare someone's feelings, it can be just the thing. Honesty is wonderful, yes, but none of us would have any friends if we were totally honest all the time.
There are quite a few things you might say to your creative friend. (I have a few such friends myself, so I don't want to publish too many of my sneaky techniques.) The easiest method is to ask questions: "You've used a lot of red yarn in this piece -- what does it signify?" "You must have worked very hard on this -- how long did it take you?" "Why is this black canvas called Rhapsody in Pink?" And then there are all sorts of perfectly good adjectives you can use: "interesting," "unique," "daring," "shocking," "intense," "colorful" -- you get the idea.
That said, your friend might want an honest critique from someone whose opinion she values. Honesty doesn't have to be cruel. Preface your comments with some questions about her artistic intent and involve her in a discussion of the piece, then offer some suggestions (but not insults, which are never in order). Remind her -- and forgive me, but remind yourself, while you're at it -- that a work of art's quality is extremely subjective.
