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Wiped-Clean Slate: The Bay Guardian's (fake) election endorsements 


Can't remember what the Bay Guardian endorsed for next week's election? Neither can we, so for your convenience we're reprinting an abridged version of its voter guide.

Jerry Brown
We wish we knew which Jerry Brown we're voting for: the crazy young man who used to run California, or the crazy old man who just won't go away. Either way, we're in. There's only one thing we'd rather see Jerry Brown do than be California's next governor, and that's Jerry Brown going out of his way to run for every office Gavin Newsom wants from now on. That would be putting the public first.

Lieutenant Governor
Jerry Brown
Anybody who's thinking of voting for Gavin Newsom for lieutenant governor should write in "Jerry Brown" instead. Just to see the look on Newsom's face. Oh, like you really care who ends up as lieutenant governor.

Attorney General
Kamala Harris
Let's recap. Kamala Harris has a plummeting conviction rate, a drug lab whose staff are actually on drugs, and her office has neglected to inform defense attorneys about cops who have been convicted of crimes. So why are we endorsing her? Because one of our editors is a cutter, and this was the best way he could hurt himself. God, we feel so alive!

U.S. Senate
Barbara Boxer

Many people claim Boxer has been a terrible senator, but we had a late lunch that day and missed the whole thing. We asked them to repeat what they'd said, only slower this time, but it turns out we weren't going to listen anyway. Re-elect Barbara Boxer.

Congress, Eighth District
Nancy Pelosi

We honestly can't remember the name of the person running against her. Is it Cindy Sheehan again? Because that would be different: Sheehan would have won last time if we'd only endorsed her harder.

Congress, Seventh District
George Miller

It would be an exaggeration to say we picked his name out of a hat. It was more like a helmet. But it was a very good helmet. Made by a small local business. Quality headgear.

Secretary of State
Debra Bowen

Progressive, progressive, progressive, progressive, progressive, progressive, progressive, progressive, progressive, progressive, progressive! If that's more "progressives" than you have after your name, then you are morally obligated to vote for Bowen.

That one guy

You know, the guy who's running for the office? Unopposed ... we think? It'll come to us. We know this one, we really do. Man, are we really excited to endorse him, too. He's done, like, great ... controllery ... things for the past two (or maybe four) years. Really kept stuff under control for the people of California. Dignity: the word that comes to mind when we think of our state controller.

State Senate, District 8
Leland Yee for Mayor

Popular with his district and a powerful force in Sacramento, Leland Yee for Mayor is a shoo-in to return to the state Senate, where he will start the Leland Yee for Mayor for Mayor campaign. Sources say it will really be the kickoff to his eventual run for governor.

State Assembly, District 13
Tom Ammiano

When the history of progressive politics in San Francisco is written, it will prominently feature two things: 1. Steve Jones' bicycle and 2. Tom Ammiano. Together, they led a revolution in San Francisco politics that successfully alienated a broad coalition of voters. Ammiano continues that noble tradition in Sacramento. He deserves to be re-elected for that. But honestly? He had us at "Kiss my gay ass." We couldn't have said it any better, and we tried.

State Ballot Measures
Proposition 14 (Open primaries)

Open primaries will make it easier for people to vote for the candidates they like, instead of the candidates who are best for them. Party hacks and political pamphlets will lose influence, and then what will you do? You need us! Admit it, and vote no.

Proposition 15 (Limited public financing of elections)
Yes! Yes! Maybe! Wait — yes!
Public financing in San Francisco has supported no underdog candidates, but has led to several costly lawsuits. Naturally, we want to see the same efficiency applied to every election you vote in.

Proposition 16 (Mandating a two-thirds vote on public power)
Rape, rape, rape!

Throughout all of history, there has never been an organization more oppressive than PG&E. Nazi Germany? Hah — PG&E has made twice as many Jews suffer by charging them too much for electricity. The Khmer Rouge? At least they reused every part of their victims. The Republican National Committee? It works for PG&E — at least, according to a diagram by our unpaid interns. Someday you'll see it; someday you'll thank us. History will absolve us. Vote no, or be the first up against the wall when the revolution comes.

Proposition 17 (Auto insurance law changes)
As we understand it, this measure emerged out of a plane crash on a mysterious island inhabited by a smoke monster who kills some people and saves others 15 percent or more on their car insurance. But we might be getting it mixed up with something else that was ultimately disappointing.

San Francisco Ballot Measures

Proposition B (Earthquake safety and emergency response bonds)
This is a multimillion-dollar bond on a public project. And those always turn out so well. Just the thought of public money coursing through the system makes us shiver with delight. It doesn't matter what it's for, and it doesn't matter that the city won't really tell us. Vote yes: This measure's so bad it's good.

Proposition D (Retirement benefits)
Yes! Yes! Yes!
We've tried to explain to San Francisco's activists why Prop. D works, but they didn't like it because it doesn't mention global warming even once. So instead we'll say this: They would have voted for Prop. D in the '60s. Or, at least, the '60s as we remember them; the actual '60s got us into this pension mess in the first place. But that doesn't matter now.

Proposition E (Budget line item for police security)
Our only problem with this measure is that it doesn't go far enough. Not only do we need to know how much money was spent on Gavin Newsom's security detail — even though the police chief will tell us anyway — we also need to know who the officers assigned to it are, the names of their children, and a log of the officers' sexual activities that goes back at least five years. The citizens of San Francisco deserve to know whether their cops are sex-positive. Why? Because democracy requires access to information.

Proposition G (Transbay Transit Center)
Sure, why not?
Ending on a purely symbolic policy statement with no force of law or practical impact just feels so right. If only all our endorsements could be this good.


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