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When Good TV Goes Bad: 2014's Worst Moments 

Tuesday, Dec 23 2014

When I wrote a bars column I would get letters from people saying, "I don't go out but I like to read about you going out instead." Now that I write a TV column I get letters that say, "I don't watch TV but I like to read what you have to say about it instead." Never one to disappoint my fans, I've decided to dedicate this year-end television wrap-up to things that will make anyone who hates TV, doesn't own one, or generally avoids it feel quite confident in their life choice. It rots your brain and sates the sheeple. Kill it.

Let us begin with the biggest whoopsie of the year, The Honey Boo Boo Kerfuffle. Perhaps "kerfuffle" isn't strong enough of a word for child sex abuse, so forgive me. But Mama June seems to think that's all it was. Here Comes Honey Boo Boo was an amazing reality TV show that featured a chubby little girl and her redneck family as they grappled with having extra fingers on their hands (ostensibly from inbreeding), not being able to fit into last year's summer dresses, and big green boogers. Little Double-Wide on the Prairie, if you will.

I was a staunch defender of the show and Mama June, who reportedly took most of the money from the show and put it in trusts for her children. I saw the attack on her as an attack from the cultured elite on poor white America. But then she went and done a fool thing like stepping out with a man that her kids accused of being a child molester. She defended him as insistently as any woman on Springer in the same situation had ever done. TLC pulled the plug on the show, and now she is even more universally reviled than before. And we will never see Honey Boo Boo grow up. On second thought, I want to remember her just as she was, for always.

All of that of course pales in comparison to all the Bill Cosby allegations. He also lost a new show in the works, along with his reputation. I learned from all of this that feminism is not doing its job very well. The main complaint that the naysayers have on webboards or Facebook threads is that the women didn't speak up when the alleged events happened, so they must not be true. Then others were blaming the women for causing more alleged rapes by not warning others. Whatever the excuse, everything was the women's fault and not Cosby's.

Now his band of defenders will rally around him just like Paula Deen's entourage of steadfast fans have. As for me, I never cared for the guy, though I do thank Fat Albert for introducing me to black people. Anyway, seeing America battle this one out on gossip shows, news networks, and talk shows was probably why you don't watch TV, gentle reader.

Ah yes, 2014 was a banner year for general crap viewing, of which I am an aficionado. Lifetime decided to make biopics of anyone who ever died a tragic death, like Aaliyah and Brittany Murphy. The films were so bad that people created drinking games around them and sat perched on Twitter trying to out-snark each other. The network has built an audience around hipsters who want to see modern day camp. I'm fairly sure the execs know these movies suck, right?

Reality TV got hella real this year too with a lot of naked people. There was naked dating and naked survivalism in the jungle wilds. Aren't you bummed you are missing that?

The worst show of the year was Utopia, Fox's attempt at Lord of the Flies that stuck a bunch of uninteresting people on a ranch and asked them to create their own society. Like any true democracy, it quickly dissolved into petty bickering and random fucking.

The trend of giving twits their own "reality" show continued unabated with Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys and Tori Spelling leading the pack.

Seriously, you aren't missing much.

The highlight of my year was a viral SoundCloud from S.F. dude Ryan Block, who recorded his frustrating attempts to cancel Comcast. You don't have cable so you don't have to deal with it, but let me tell you, having anal polyps checked is more fun. Take heart that soon we will all be able to pay for only the channels we want and then stream them on our computers. The question is, will it technically still be "TV" then? And will you still hate it?

About The Author

Katy St. Clair


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