Get SF Weekly Newsletters
Pin It

What Part of "Wait Until Marriage" Don't You Understand! 

Infiltrator goes to a teen abstinence educators' conference -- and gets laid!

Wednesday, Sep 28 2005
Comments

Page 6 of 8

The tone dramatically changes. "The other side of this is the broken honor code," states the mom adviser. She makes a sad face. The SWAT Team members look at their shoes. "This young gal broke the honor code. And I said, 'You got to talk to her.'"

So the SWAT Team spoke to the fallen teen about the code she'd followed (To honor my future spouse, I choose to save sexual activity for marriage) and then betrayed by dancing the humpty-hump.

"You can tell she was very, very broken," the popular girl says. "He was pretty proud of breaking her code, so it was all over the school. And we have a big school."

So what happened? Was a scarlet "A" branded upon her chest? Did she receive a good pelting with rocks?! Were condoms provided, in case it happened again?!!

"She wrote a letter to the entire SWAT Team and told them she broke the code and asked forgiveness. She told her parents," the popular girl explains. [Pause] "You know what? She's back on the SWAT Team!!!!"

Holy fucking shit! I let out an audible cheer, pumping my fist in the air. (Still, I have to wonder: Is there a limit to the number of times you're allowed to become a born-again virgin?)

"The parents called up and said, 'Thank you very much. She knows what she did, and she won't go down that road until she's married,'" the leader says with a firm, certain smile.

"You guys are very brave," someone shares. "You're earning respect."

"After you graduate, hit the colleges!" one of the gray-haired ladies says to the three perky kids, who are all high school seniors.

Tall, lanky guy points to a button on his shirt that sports a picture of a dog and the slogan "Pet your dog, NOT your date."

Hey, isn't that bestiality?

"That's the hot item to have right now," injects the mom adviser.

"That's so funny!" someone blurts out.

"How about 'Pet your pussy, NOT your date'?" I ask.

Abstinence Fun Fact!

I don't want kids thinking they'll be protected by condoms, because it won't protect the most important body part of all -- the heart. And isn't that the area of the body most susceptible to raging gonorrhea?

Contraception

I'm one of two guys in yet another sterile conference room full, mostly, of old white ladies from small towns. To further test the sincerity of my born-again virgin pledge, I've decided to hit on some of the attendees at the teen abstinence educators' conference.

I nudge my chair close to the 70-year-old woman next to me; she has a button of George W. and Laura Bush on her purse. (There will be no worries about getting her pregnant.)

"Quentin, that's my cousin's name," she says after introductions, holding my handshake a little longer than is usual. "What organization are you from?"

"Mimes for Abstinence," I reply, motioning as if I'm trapped in a box. I move in closer, licking my lips and making direct eye contact. "We try to slip in the message slowly, with hard facts, then pull out information, generating a gush of excitement."

I explain why kids shouldn't have sex and graphically describe in detail the type of sex they shouldn't be having, concluding with my theory that Popsicles promote oral sex.

I'm interrupted when a confused old lady enters the conference room. "What is this workshop?" she asks.

"Contraceptives," another old lady informs her.

She makes a big, sour face and sarcastically moans, "Oh-kaaaay!" Quickly she leaves.

"We're trying not to make this a real controversial topic," explains the director, a soft-spoken woman in a pink top. "What is your organization's policy on contraception? When I say this, I mean artificial contraception."

To help clarify, she asks people to raise their hands as she asks questions about who they think should use contraceptives.

"OK for singles, OK for married couples?"

No hands go up.

"OK for singles, not OK for married couples?" Huge laugh (of course no hands go up).

With that, she launches into "A Modern-Day Fable About Holly and Steve." A slide shows Holly and Steve hugging and holding flowers, much as happy couples do. Then trouble enters paradise. "Holly began taking oral contraception: the pill. She gained 10 pounds and felt tired and irritable. She couldn't maintain her full-time job. She soon felt resentful at Steve's sexual advances. No one in her circle of Christian friends had experienced this.

"Holly was being robbed of happiness."

I look again at the slide of Holly and Steve hugging, holding flowers. What went wrong? They look so happy. To think, it was all because of birth control.

We go next to the Bible, specifically Genesis 38:10, in which Onan spills his seed on the ground and is struck dead by God. The soft-spoken director questions the appropriateness of married couples using contraceptives. "That's our objective: understand God's plan for marriage and families," she says. "The purpose of sex is procreation."

Once we separate sex from creating children, she says, the door is open to a whole (pardon my French) hell of a lot of trouble: "Protestant Church tolerance of birth control paved the way to the legalization of homosexuality, sodomy. And you know where we are today with gay marriage."

A murmur runs through the crowd. I wrinkle my forehead and frown. The old woman next to me wrinkles her forehead and frowns. An old lady gets up and leaves looking visually upset, moving her lips. Two court cases from the 1960s that found birth control to be in a zone of privacy protected by the Constitution are mentioned as precursors to Roe v. Wade.

About The Author

Harmon Leon

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Popular Stories

  1. Most Popular Stories
  2. Stories You Missed

Slideshows

  • clipping at Brava Theater Sept. 11
    Sub Pop recording artists 'clipping.' brought their brand of noise-driven experimental hip hop to the closing night of 2016's San Francisco Electronic Music Fest this past Sunday. The packed Brava Theater hosted an initially seated crowd that ended the night jumping and dancing against the front of the stage. The trio performed a set focused on their recently released Sci-Fi Horror concept album, 'Splendor & Misery', then delved into their dancier and more aggressive back catalogue, and recent single 'Wriggle'. Opening performances included local experimental electronic duo 'Tujurikkuja' and computer music artist 'Madalyn Merkey.'"