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What Part of "Wait Until Marriage" Don't You Understand! 

Infiltrator goes to a teen abstinence educators' conference -- and gets laid!

Wednesday, Sep 28 2005

Page 5 of 8


Bring on the SWAT Team!

My favorite forms of entertainment (in no discerning order) have to be:

Bare-knuckle boxing.


And, of course, teens doing skits about abstinence.

"We're going to start out with a skit," announces a tall, lanky guy with glasses who helps coordinate the SWAT Team, a group of perky kids (tall, lanky guy; chunky blond gal; and, correct me if I'm wrong, Daddy's little girl -- all adorned in matching SWAT Team T-shirts) who go around to high schools and do skits about teen abstinence.

I don't think that, in this case, "SWAT" stands for "Special Weapons and Tactics," but something that involves not having sex. Anyway, it's clear that the SWAT Team aims to get other kids to TAKE THE PLEDGE.

"This skit is called 'The Pieces of My Heart' skit," the lanky guy says.

A female volunteer is brought up from the audience. Chunky blond gal narrates as tall, lanky guy holds a paper heart. She says that he and his girlfriend decide to have SEX. Complications. "She breaks up with him and breaks a piece of his heart."

Tall, lanky guy tears off part of his heart and gives it to chunky blond gal. This same interaction occurs again. More sex. More paper-heart-tearing.

"Now he has a really dinky heart," explains the chubby gal. Tall, lanky guy presents the paper-heart remnant to the audience volunteer, who portrays the future wife of the now-small-hearted man.

"So how does that make her feel?" asks chunky gal.

"Not good," admits the audience volunteer.

She directs her attention to the lanky guy. "How does he feel?"

"Like poop!" he blurts.

Here comes another fun teen abstinence skit.

"Does anyone want this $20 bill?" asks Daddy's little girl, pulling out some currency. Assuming this is not a trick question attached to a moral lesson correlating directly to teen abstinence, I quickly raise my hand and shout, "I do!" Some old ladies also raise their hands. (This better not be a trick.)

"How about if I crumple it up and step on it?" She does just that to the currency -- American currency! "Would you still want it?"

"Yeah!" I scream, waving my hand. "I'll have it!"

Then comes the lesson: "This is how we deal with born-again virgins. You're still worth the same. You can always start over. You can always change."

Ohhhhh! I get it. This is not about free money. She's simply making an analogy. This is great news, being that I'm a newly born-again virgin myself (though I'm not entirely sure how that works, physically speaking, for women; do Christian scientists cultivate laboratory hymens in petri dishes?)

But there's a more important message: Those who decide to have sex are nothing more than something crumpled up under one's shoe.

"Are you still giving away the money?" I ask.


In steps the SWAT Team's mom adviser. How does the adult adviser suggest that teens curb their libidos? By setting boundaries!

"As a couple, you should agree, 'At this point, we're going to go no further, and we're going to be safe,'" she explains. She looks at a handout titled "Progression of Sexual Activity." It's a chart divided into three sections: Safe Intimate Zone (spending time together, holding hands); Caution Zone (simple kiss, prolonged kiss); and of course the Danger Zone (not only sexual intercourse and petting, but also French kissing. Why? It explains: "He's aroused").

"My boundary is tea-bagging," I solemnly state to the old woman next to me in a low, raspy voice.

"It's conveying to kids that you can start over, and you are very valuable, and you are important to society," the adviser explains. She looks at tall, lanky guy, chunky gal, and Daddy's little girl. "I don't even want to know your boundary. That's your choice."

According to the Journal of Adolescent Health, teens who take virginity pledges often remain technical virgins by engaging in oral and booty sex. It makes sense: If they're trying to preserve their virginity, oral and anal sex fit under the definition of not having sex.

Which is great because I like those two things way better anyway.

"Can I have the SWAT Team take over again?" asks the mom adviser; the three perky teens jump into place.

"Why do we choose abstinence?" asks chunky blond gal. "Like the 'Pieces of My Heart' skit, I want to give myself to my husband. I don't want to think of another woman there."

(Ewww. That would be icky.)

Tall, lanky guy adopts a pirate voice and explains the three R's -- responsibility, religion, and respect.

Then comes Daddy's little girl. "I got a lot going on in my life," she says, listing off a dozen activities she's involved with, concluding with the varsity golf team. "I feel I have so much going on right now that I don't want to risk getting pregnant or getting an STD. I want to go to college. I want to travel the world. I have trouble getting out of the house in the morning; I can't even imagine having to feed my kid."

She laughs, but there's more. "I have a boyfriend. He's pretty well-known. He's a wrestler. He went to State." She tells everyone that she and her pretty-well-known boyfriend (he went to State) choose abstinence. Hurrah for the annoying, overachieving popular girl who doesn't put out and rubs everyone's nose in the fact!

"That's our choice," she says. "We choose to be abstinent."

(Besides, sex is totally icky!)

"Paul is also on the SWAT Team as well," the mom adviser pipes in, identifying the popular girl's pretty-well-known boyfriend.

"People out there that say teens have raging hormones and can't control themselves -- I can. I'm not running around trying to make out with everyone," says the popular girl (who most likely got a new car for staying a virgin).

About The Author

Harmon Leon


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