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What Part of "Wait Until Marriage" Don't You Understand! 

Infiltrator goes to a teen abstinence educators' conference -- and gets laid!

Wednesday, Sep 28 2005
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Page 4 of 8

"Look at your goals. Having an STD is going to impact your goals," Nice Lady No. 2 jumps in. "If they pursue relationship goals, each step that we take to get more and more sexual increases your chances of risk! Condoms will reduce risk of STDs, but not all STDs, but not eliminate it. There's still a 20 percent chance."

"They have so much they can put focus on: school, sports, what's really important to them," the first nice lady says animatedly, putting forward a theory that, if correct, would greatly expand teen softball leagues. "It's taking that energy and using it for something else."

"How about origami?" I throw out, then take a hard look at the boundary chart the ladies have passed me. "AVOID AROUSAL" is one of the key boundaries.

"What if dancing makes you aroused?" I ask. "Should we, as instructors, tell kids not to dance?"

"If you found that as a weak spot, then avoid it," Nice Lady No. 1 states. (The premise of the movie Footloose suddenly makes sense.) "Maybe they can pick a different kind of dance? Instead of freaky dancing, maybe try, I don't know, square dancing."

"Square dancing yes, freaky dancing no," I repeat.

"Pick a boundary at maybe holding hands; move it back a notch," she suggests.

"How about direct eye contact? What if that makes you aroused?" I say, making direct eye contact.

"You've got to train, like an Olympic athlete," she answers. Yes, indeed, train like an Olympic athlete -- an Olympic athlete with a big, insatiable boner!

It's an interesting theory. I've been a born-again virgin for two days now, and the crack of dawn was making me horny. What other methods might there be to curb the sexual libido?

"Use a keepsake as a daily reminder, such as a bracelet or ring."

"Like if you're trying to lose weight, put a picture of a tropical place you want to vacation to on your refrigerator as inspiration."

"Wouldn't people get married just to have sex?" I ask.

"People aren't going to get married just to get laid," she scoffs. Marriage, she explains, is about becoming a friend to your spouse.

"I have a younger son," Nice Lady No. 1 concludes. "He's made a pact not to date because he thinks dating is too much stress."

She explains he'd much rather focus on studying. "He keeps a honeymoon jar. He puts money into the honeymoon jar in order to keep focused on school." The money from the honeymoon jar will be spent on his future wife. Whom he hasn't met yet.

[Pause]

I nod my head and say, "A honeymoon jar!"

The Case for Marriage

"What we think of marriage is not what the world around us thinks of marriage," the bubbly woman from earlier tells the room, which is 90 percent full of gray-haired ladies; they are attending the workshop "The Case for Marriage." "This is the will of God that you should abstain from sexual immorality. We believe that human sexuality is a divine gift, a primal dimension of each person.

"No question about that. God is pretty clear where he stands on that!"

I realize, now, that abstinence education goes deeper than telling high school kids not to have sex. It's the exportation of a code of conduct into our public schools directly from the Bible.

The bubbly woman offers a personal story: "I didn't get married until I was 26. I have friends who are in their 30s. They're waiting for God's perfect man. They have some downtime. 'Come on God, what's your plan for me?'

"You can accomplish a lot of things while single -- it's important to wait for God to help us find that person."

We nod our heads collectively.

"Kids say, 'Well, marriage is good, but if you really love each other, if you're in love, it's OK to have sex,'" the woman says, her mouth dropping open with disbelief. "Is that love? No, it's not."

Her mouth drops open again.

"These are kids from Christian homes. Do you know where they get it from? Friends, media ....

"Let me tell you: MTV started out bad and is only getting worse."

Then the bubbly woman prescribes an easy solution: "Protect your eyes, protect the music you listen to!"

An effective method of eye protection, she notes, is a practice known as "Look and Drop." When a guy sees a woman and feels lust, he should train himself to immediately bounce his eyes away -- Look and Drop!

"The mind works fast. This trains him to look away. He doesn't allow the visual image to take hold," she explains. "That's why pornography is so dangerous. Porn sets unrealistic expectations on women."

I do a quick Look and Drop around the room, wondering whether the speaker is including amateur porn in her analysis. After all, the amateurs set some very realistic expectations.

"Great [that] we're getting our message out there: Co-habitation is not the goal. Awesome [that] we're getting our message out there," she says, noting that marriage causes less disease, alcoholism, and depression than "living in sin." "We have the studies. We have the documents. We have science backing us up. But the message that society gives off, that's our battle."

Finally comes the opportune moment to utter my catchphrase: "Guns don't kill; having sex with unmarried people kills!"

Abstinence Fun Fact

If God says you should save yourself for that one special person in your life, the one you're going to marry, then all bets are off once you get divorced. Because God lets you sometimes save yourself for a second special person in your life.

About The Author

Harmon Leon

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